Friday, December 2, 2005

Player Hater

Jes Golbez has his love/hate list, and James Mirtle is trying to convince everybody to start picking Team Canada, so, me being an original guy, in the sense that ripping off multiple people and combining them into your own thing passes for original, I’ve decided to unleash Team Evil: the worst damn team in hockey. If this was an actual, established roster, rest assured that I’d start up a blog designed solely for the purpose of hating on them. Anyway:

Ilya Kovalchuk / Eric Lindros / Peter Bondra
Brendan Morrow / Henrik Sedin / Darcy Tucker
Brad Isbister / Chris Gratton / Dan Cleary
Jarko Ruutu / Sean Avery / Donald Brashear

Rob Blake / Derian Hatcher
Patrice Brisebois / Chris Chelios
Richard Matvichuk / Sean Brown

Eddie Belfour
Garth Snow


Kovalchuk: Miserable hot-dog punk.
Lindros: Under-talented, over-hyped, petulant, concussed, spoiled Daddy’s Boy (yeah, I liked the Nordiques, and yeah, I still feel it)
Bondra: He’ll score 30 goals a year, 25 of them meaningless, and he’s never heard of defence

Morrow: Residual Dallas hate. Prick.
Sedin: I’ve always despised Daniel, er, Henrik far more than Daniel, and I’m not sure why.
Tucker: Cheap-shot, yappy, Leaf-playing dirtball

Isbister: You can’t teach size, or hockey sense, evidently.
Gratton: Same as Isbister
Cleary: Why does he still get to play in the NHL? Oh, right, because he’s mastered the art of scoring more in the preseason than the regular season.

Ruutu: Do Vancouver fans even like this guy? All he seems to do is take dumb penalties.
Avery: I traded him off my hockey pool (PIMs!), so I can join the ringing chorus now.
Brashear: I actually remember feeling a little warm inside with the McSorely incident. There are enforcers, and there are goons; refusing to fight other tough guys makes you a goon, you dink.

Blake: When the hell is he going to get bad? Dammit!
Hatcher: Residual Dallas hate. Prick. He’s also slow, and related to Kevin.

Brisebois: Utterly useless in every way. Plus, now he plays for Colorado.
Chelios: Being a sure-fire Hall of Famer is easy when refs look the other way for two-thirds of your career. Chelios has 2753 PIM in his career; he should probably have at least double that.

Matvichuk: Residual Dallas hate.
Brown: Residual untalented Oiler hate.

Belfour: This has got nothing to do with Dallas, he’s just a prick. He’s such a prick, it just radiates through his goalie gear when he’s on the ice. There is nothing I enjoy more than watching Belfour get lit up. I think he’s probably my least favourite player in the league.
Snow: Why does he still get to play in the NHL? Is there not one better journeyman back-up anywhere? Is Trevor Kidd dead? Ron Tugnutt? Can we bring Salo back from Sweden?


Anonymous said...

Where's Mike "I'm Nailing Your Wife Tommy" Comrie?

Jizzbister would find a way to get benched on this team.

Colby Cosh said...

There have been six dozen Edmonton Oilers who wished deep down in their hearts that they could play for the Toronto Maple Leafs; Darcy Tucker is about the only Leaf who wishes deep down that he could be playing for the Oilers. He once said in print that April 30, 1986 was the worst day of his life. No Oiler fan should permit a word to be spoken against such a man. Draft Havlat instead.

Colby Cosh said...

(I mean, yeah, Tucker is a dirty little bastard, but so is Marchment, and you left him off...)

brushback said...

Great freakin' post. Pure venom. Loved it!

Pleasure Motors said...

Good point, Colby, but Marchment is no longer an effective dirty little bastard. I mean, I could have put Ulf Samuelsson on there, too, but he's retired.

Oh, and as for Comrie: this is probably lynch-worthy, but I honestly think Comrie got a rap worse than he deserved. True, he was a bit of a headstrong prick, and I personally know three different girls who he's hit on using the line, "Hi, I'm Mike Comrie," in entirely separate incidents, but I don't think he deserved what he got here. From what I've heard (and it's fairly rumourish, but I've heard it from a couple different people), MacT pulled a "him or me" thing in his contract negotiations a few years ago, and the Oil went with MacT. Then there was a protracted contract battle where Lowe basically went out to tar and feather Comrie, and Edmonton fans bought it like 50-cent highballs, so much so that people were defending Lowe when he demanded money from Comrie to complete a trade, a move so ridiculous and pig-headed it's a wonder the league didn't just take Comrie away from us and give him to the highest bidder.

Anyway, I'm not saying I like the guy, because I don't, I just think the shitty reputation he's got is a little too harsh; deep down, he's just a cocky, slightly spoiled kid--kind of like every talented athlete that comes from a rich family that I've ever personally known.

Anonymous said...

"..Like 50 cent highballs", too funny.

He may like the Coilers, but Darcy "Mother" Tucker is definitely one of the most despicable players in the NHL. I think the list would have been perfect with the addition of Travis "Chach" Green, the biggest greaseball in the 'N.


Anonymous said...

As much as I hate that Cheap Shot artist Tucker, when Brisbois plays for your team, you learn a whole new level of HATE.