Thursday, May 25, 2006

Bowl-o-rama!

Well, this is it. This is the Oilers' first of four chances to advance to the Stanley Cup finals for the first time in 16 years — and, incidentally, win a 138-year-old hunk of sterling silver known as the Clarence Campbell Bowl for emerging victorious from the Western Conference.

Interesting to some may be the fact that the Oilers could tonight lay claim to most the Bowl wins in NHL history by breaking their long-standing tie with the Philadelphia Flyers, who have won six. Most people, however, probably find that boring. I know I kinda do.

Slightly more interesting will be what Jason Smith does with the Bowl tonight if we win. Of course, as everyone knows, to touch any trophy other than Lord Stanley's during the playoffs is to invite a hellscape of non-Cup-winning woe and regret that will plague a the offending team, their children and their children's children for centuries to come. As such, hoisting the Bowl is usually decided against, and skating around with it is clearly out of the question, despite what certain commenters on BoA have suggested.

But being the strong believers in hockey gods and evil mojo that Oiler fans are, will simply declining to touch Clarence Campbell be enough to ward off the bad spirits created by our cockiness over the past three games? Personally, I think more could be done. After consulting with various authorities in the field of mojo improvement, I present the Oilers with a foolproof method with which to receive the Bowl without harming their Stanley Cup chances.

1. Before the Bowl is marched out, the Oilers should burn sage to purify the air surrounding centre ice. Japanese shiisa lion figures — long belived by residents of Okinawa to ward off evil spirits — should be placed around the perimeter of the faceoff circle.

2. No Oiler other than Jason Smith is permitted to enter this holy circle, who himself must first submit to a soul-cleansing bath in lotus petals and saffron oil.

3. Like the Ark of the Covenant, the Bowl is not to be looked upon by mortal eyes. To get around this, Smith must wear a magical pair of wraparound Oakleys that have been blessed by the Dalai Lama and Jesus. Even a glimpse of the Bowl will cause an Oilers' face to melt like in that movie... with the Nazis... what was it called again? Oh right: The Sound of Music.

4. As the urge to touch the Bowl will be greater than anything mortal man can fathom, Smith should be bound from head to toe in inch-thick silk rope and industrial mooring chain. Even the slightest move towards the Bowl should be discouraged by a lashing delivered with the rolled-up banner commemorating the Oilers' 1990 Stanley Cup win.

5. Once the semi-circle of Oilers have all lit their hope candles, the half-blind and heavily bound Smith should lead the team in a solemn Pubba-ha Sutta chant, an ancient Buddhist incantation designed to protect against bad omens and bring happiness. At this point, the Bowl may become noticably agitated and attempt to jump towards Smith and counteract the Oilers' magic. If this occurs, Ty Conklin should be prepared to intercept the trophy and immediately immolate himself for the benefit of the team.

6. Finally, the Bowl must be raised by league officials to Smith's face, so he may communicate with the demons that reside within it and tell them their power over the Oilers has been broken. It is likely that Smith will now be overcome by the Bowl's presence and fall to the ground in an epileptic fit. It is of the utmost importance that no one helps him. In fact, grab that banner and thrash him some more.

7. Once Smith gets out of hospital, go on to win the Stanley Cup.

Sounds easy enough, I know — but don't forget the Oilers still have to do their part by beating those uppity Ducks tonight. A score of 4-2 would be nice, but hey. I'm not picky.

Also, hey look! It's a muthafuckin' beard! Uh uh uh!

5 comments:

sacamano said...

Dude, are you sure that you didn't just take a whole wack of photos about three weeks ago. I see no change. I'm well into the goddamned hippy stage, and you look like you are going for a night out at some neon and stainless steel swingers club. And has that neck been trimmed?

You better look out, Grabia is gonna tee off on you again.

Me? I'm firmly convinced that the Oil are immune to any sort of karma busting.

Watch this:

The Oilers will sweep.
Roli will get a shutout.
The Oilers will win the cup.
Dvorak will score the cup winning goal.
They will pickup the bowl and lift it for the crowd

Chris! said...

are you saying I'm NOT A MAN?

Anonymous said...

Oh come on now sacamano... don't get too carried away now. LOL! That was kind of funny actually. Especially the Dvo goal. Let's hope he comes back soon. The most snakebitten Oiler all year and one of the hardest working.

Yea but I'm with Chris! on this one. A team should never lift or carry the Campbell Bowl around. It's a bad hockey omen.
The 90 team just touched the Bowl and had a pic with it and if I remember correctly, Mess said in Chicago "This is just one step. Our goal is nothing but The Stanley Cup." No fucking around and lifting and skating with it like Jarmoe and the flames did in 04.

May the hockey gods have mercy on us all(especially sac)!

GOILERS!!!

sacamano said...

are you saying I'm NOT A MAN?

Hey, I'm not judging anyone here.

peter said...

hey anonymous. Jarmoe never lifted the bowl. nobody skated with it. he stood next to it, had one picture taken with it and got his ass off the ice in a rush.

which i feel was a big mistake. he should have celebrated a great achievement by an underdog team. and your oilers should celebrate it, too.