Wednesday, May 17, 2006

'Button under the hood'??

After decades of silence, Kristine weighs in on the hot-button issue that is Chris!'s beard.

So I guess I’ve let this go on long enough. Yes, that’s right, it’s me: the naggy, Oilers-hating girlfriend who was all like, “A beard? That’s gross!! You’d better shave it off before I come or I’ll break up with you. And who cares about hockey anyway? Not girls, that’s who!” (If you didn’t read that out loud in a screechy, naggy-girlfriend voice, you just missed most of the effect.)

Except I never asked Chris! to shave the stupid beard in the first place. I may have hinted at it at some point early on, but now that I’ve become just as deeply superstitious about it as the rest of you, I’ve actually asked him not to. Also, rumour has it someone dug up that post I wrote earlier this year where I admitted to being one of “those fans” who got into hockey watching the Flames in the playoffs two years ago. I still admit this, but the point is that I am a hockey fan now—make than an Oilers fan—and no, I wouldn’t cheer for the Flames again. I may watch their progress with interest, but I wouldn’t cheer for them.

And as for you retards who’re wheedling Chris to win me over with oral sex, I don’t know what kind of girls you date, but the whole, “Ah, come on baby, I’ll eat you out all night long if ya let me keep my beard” (followed by a swarthy laugh) never really worked on me. In fact, one could argue it’s downright creepy. But nice try. Anyway, the beard is staying — staying as both a good luck charm and a force to unite Oilers fans across the globe.

Now, I know my predictive forces aren’t as powerful as Chris!’s, but I have been in the same room as the beard for a good hour now, so I’m saying Oilers win tonight, 5–3.

GOILERS!!!

34 comments:

Matt said...

Check out how happy he looks! Awww...

This'll go a long way toward counteracting the karmic implications of the Oilers organizing a PARADE after 7 playoff wins.

Randy said...

She's a keeper. Both really. Not like than one-legged bitch Heather McCartney or that scrawny goatee that accompanied the Ice-Hounds run at the U of A Rec League title. Geez, Chris!, you're really on the upswing.

Black Dog Hates Skunks said...

Ok, I take back the "plenty of fish in the sea" comment. While true, there are fish and then there are Fish, and Kristine is definitely the latter.

A match made in heaven! Get thee to a JP, you crazy kids.

Grace said...

Don't forget to post a picture with robocop in the background!

Nice to meet you Kristine. Only boys would say win her over with oral. I would have said, buy her jewellery, give her money or buy clothes.

Matt said...

"I'm not a Flames Fan, I'm a Flames Interested Progress Watcher."

You're a lucky man, Chris!

mudcrutch79 said...

And as for you retards who’re wheedling Chris to win me over with oral sex, I don’t know what kind of girls you date, but the whole, “Ah, come on baby, I’ll eat you out all night long if ya let me keep my beard” (followed by a swarthy laugh) never really worked on me. In fact, one could argue it’s downright creepy.

He dates the kind of girls who fuck up internet baseball leagues with their incessant demands for attention. Apparently, they're more readily satiated though.

Dave said...

“'Ah, come on baby, I’ll eat you out all night long if ya let me keep my beard' (followed by a swarthy laugh) never really worked on me."

Yes, but how about a Fizzy Gillespie? No one on earth can resist that, right? Right?

Anyhow, welcome back to T.O. Drinking Grasshopper and un-P.C. jokes to commence shortly.

sacamano said...

Yeesh. When I mentioned that growing playoff beards invariably result in train wrecks, even I didn't anticipate the magnitude of the crash that yours would produce. The rubberneckers and ambulance chasers are kinda...icky.

In any case, the beard itself looks as sharp as ever, and I'm relieved that we can get back to discussing the somewhat more generic obscenities such as dry humping mailboxes and Peca's salary.

sacamano said...

Amusing anecdote:

Mrs. Sacamano just complained about my beard and asked if I could "at least trim the moustache" which is hanging well over my upper lip.

I explained that it was simply impossible, and showed her the chaos that happened over here at your mere suggestion of trimming.

I said: "Look, Kristine even asked Chris! to keep his beard".

She said: "Yeah, but look how small his is. There is hardly anything there."

Clear proof that I've made the uncomfortable transition into Stage 5, while you are still in handsome Stage 4. You lucky bastard.

lowetide said...

Pretty girl with the grey matter to cipher the actual math behind "all night long.:

Sounds like a keeper.

mudcrutch79 said...

Clear proof that I've made the uncomfortable transition into Stage 5, while you are still in handsome Stage 4. You lucky bastard.

Picture!

theDrizzler said...

Curiously enough she's a doctor who makes alot of bling, so you know, daddy's gotta work for his money. And trust me, hours and hours of oral sex is anything but creepy. But good on ya, the beard looks great Chris! I sure hope we win tonight so I can scrape mine off.

p.s. the GF is a babe, you would have been a fool not to shave it off if she had demanded it.

Go Oil!

Oilersman3000 said...

Um, so on a less happy note ... did the beard kill DOSE?

Colby Cosh said...

This thread is just crying out for a Red Wings joke.

Dennis said...

Retard signing in;)

Yeah she's cute alright and she didn't demand a shave so she's cool.

As for the whole "woman not being persuaded by promises of oral sex"?

I think I'd best leave that one alone.

Chris! said...

oilersman3000: oh, that's right: I forgot to mention that I lost my job today, along with 49 other lucky members of Dose's editorial staff. That's what we get for being stupid enough to believe CanWest when they said the paper had a three-year financial commitment and they "liked" what we were "doing." Fuck.

Oh well, at least someone paid me to move to Toronto. There's lots of work here, right? RIGHT??

Only an Oilers victory will save today from the dustbin. That, and lots and lots of beer.

eun said...

Several beers will be consumed at the (former) Dose Edmonton bureau, too. What a day.

Matt said...

Well, now I hope someone really DOES fuck the Dose box on Whyte tonight. If it's still there, that is. My sympathies, Chris.

Colby Cosh said...

The presser did say that 10 of the Dose staff will be kept on.



11th prize is a set of steak knives.

Andy Grabia said...

I sure hope we win tonight so I can scrape mine off.

WTF? Mitzel, you are such a fucking pussy. Shave it off after we win? What the hell does that mean? You have totally discredited yourself. The Gods will make us all pay, for this. You'll all see. Bastards.

I would like the record to show that I never criticized Kristine in any of this. My scorn has simply been for Chris. Let the record also show that this has not changed, as his solution to the uproar has been to have his girlfriend write a defence for him. I'm okay, guys, because she is letting me keep it! Bay, I say. BAH!

Of course, with all of this, I joke. Except when I'm not joking.

Gooooo Oil!

jon said...

Dang Chris, that's crappy news to hear about the job. I think you should blame pleasure motors and the Getaway's stinging "critique" of Dose. You know, if you were looking for some sort of irrational target for blame.

mike w said...

Sorry, Chris. I owe you a beer.

Coluch said...

My condolences Chris!. I don't know if maybe after the game we can get big Georges after them.

James Mirtle said...

Oh well, at least someone paid me to move to Toronto. There's lots of work here, right? RIGHT??

In this industry... uhhh.

At least you're dating the doctor. (Maybe you should dump the beard.)

She said...

Peca shaved. And scored.

You guys have had me roaring all day.

Are the Sharks facing karmageddon now?

mike w said...

Hey Mirtle, get Chris a job! That guy can edit/proofread the shit out of anything.

And Yes: PECAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I shouted a joyous Fuck You really loud in the coporate boardroom, within earshot of coworkers.

Anonymous said...

OILERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Black Dog Hates Skunks said...

Sorry about the job, Chris. Perhaps you can be a "kept man". Great gig if you can get it. Ask Kristine what she thinks.

No worries, Mirtle will fix you up.

Won't you, newspaperman?

Anonymous said...

Seriously, you should shave, and so should she, and then have your oral sex all night. Yay Oilers.

James Mirtle said...

Forget 'orbs of power' — this site's going to be the No. 1 Google match for 'beard shaving oral sex.'

And for 'Dose' for that matter.

Doogie2K said...

Was it The Beard that killed Dose or the U of C Gauntlet's oh-so-scathing beastiality-themed parody "Douche"? Don't underestimate the power of animal porn to undermine a brand.

mike w said...

The U of C Gauntlet actually had a half-decent joke issue? This is even bigger news.

Oilfan in Ottawa said...

Okay, Kristine is a serious catch... you should be doing whatever it takes to hold on to her!

Doogie2K said...

Half-decent is generous...more like about one-third decent and two-thirds worthless.

And yes, Kristine is a serious catch. Cute AND understanding of the ways of playoff hockey?