Sunday, May 14, 2006

One more time for the beard, fellows...

And, I suppose, one more time after that as well. After all, with Ottawa having choked on their own hubris yet again, this plucky Oilers team now finds itself, somewhat improbably, cast in the role of Canada's Last Hope for the Cup. Ahem.

This, of course, will mean nothing to Torontonians, who so quickly turned their collective attention away from hockey after the Females Lost to Porn stumbled and lurched their way down the stretch like a sick jalopy doomed to the wrecking yard. Oh sure, the illusion of interest in Canadian hockey is maintained by the bars that tune to CBC on Friday and Saturday nights, but fucked if you're going to find somewhere that actually plays an Oilers game with sound. What do we have to do to earn your respect, Toronto? Other than pretend to like your pathetic joke of a team, I mean.

Anyhow, have to scoot to work as usual, so here's the BEARD, complete with the usual mojo-working accoutrements. Take a good look, folks; I hadn't really planned for this, but we may have a potential scheduling conflict between the beard and my visiting girlfriend, who gets here on Wednesday and seems unenthusiastic about the prospect of experiencing its glory up close. I'll admit that I'm not sure exactly what I should do.

But yes: Oilers. Win now please. Score of 4-2 would be nice.

37 comments:

DRZ said...

Beard. Beard. Keep the beard. The girl'll learn to love it... you can play "post-apocalypse wilderness love" or something...

Oilersman3000 said...

Well Buffalo is sort of like Toronto's LA Clippers to the Leafs Lakers right? So they're sort of like a Canadian team.

Also, shave the beard. Although if the Oilers lose, it will be entirely your fault.

Andy Grabia said...

Chris, you better not shave that thing. We have perfect beard mojo harmony going right now. Don't bail out on me. To paraphrase Brody Bruce: "girlfriends come and go, but the Oil, beating the Sharks, that comes about once in a lifetime."

Do whatever it takes to not shave.

Colby Cosh said...

Just ask your girlfriend how she likes the idea of kissing your clean-shaven head--after we saw it off to answer for your crime against the hockey gods.

sacamano said...

Dude, that thing looks like it is still a Stage 4. She'll love it.

Just remember that when Grabia shaved his, the Oil went down two games. Now that he has atoned, they are 5:29 away from winning three straight.

jon said...

I'll admit that I'm not sure exactly what I should do.

THERE IS NOTHING TO BE CONFUSED ABOUT HERE. Hell, I piss my girlfriend off every week by not shaving, yours can last a few weeks once a year.

Black Dog Hates Skunks said...

Hey, yeah, uh, beard stays, huh? Up 3-2 now. She's going to have to deal.

Lots of fish in the sea my friend. Lots of fish in the sea.

Colby Cosh said...

Yeah, maybe next time, go fishing somewhere other than the lake of Oiler-sabotaging bitches.

mudcrutch79 said...

I have a feeling that once Chris!'s girlfriend sees the post and reads the comments, she'll solve the whole problem by dumping him.

Brian said...

That will please everyone involved, including Robocop. BEARD BEARD BEARD.

sacamano said...

I can't believe this is even a discussion.

Gawd, if it really comes to brass tacks, you can always pull out the ole "I'd still love you if you were fat" argument.

Dave said...

Someone with more time and a much better handle on PhotoShop should really stick a ZZ-Top jaw-carpet on Chris' face and post a link to it here. Takers?

Seriously, Chris, the next time you fly through space in your heavily-airbrushed chopped hot-rod, you'll pick up waaay more cowboy boot-wearing bikini babes if you sport a fuller beard.

Pleasure Motors said...

Sacamano,

If you look at your traffic, you'll find someone getting to your webpage by doing a google search for "Mrs Sacamano." This was me, and it was because I had to double-check the fact that you were married. I trust this is mostly because you save your pithy comments for times she isn't around. Good on you.

Andy Grabia said...

3-0, brother. 3-0.

Andy Grabia said...

Someone with more time and a much better handle on PhotoShop should really stick a ZZ-Top jaw-carpet on Chris' face and post a link to it here. Takers?

Inspired by Dave's challenge, I have completed a slight variation.

Dave said...

Ha ha! Awesome! You've created a beardapalooza.

Speaking of which, I found this quote online, by Jean Cocteau:

"There is always a period when a man with a beard shaves it off. This period does not last. He returns headlong to his beard."

Keep that beard, Chris! Plus, it goes without saying -- now there's more of you to love.

James Mirtle said...

I think you remember the French Fork arrangement.

Chris! said...

Man, I never thought I would have to deal with so much peer pressure from a bunch of guys on the internet I've never met (Andy Grabia excluded, of course — and thanks for the inspirational photo essay on Sports Matters). I'm going to try my best to keep this torch song smouldering, but when it comes down it, are the Oilers going to make out with me? Because my girlfriend probably will.

Still, the incredible sense of duty and obligation is not lost on me.

sacamano said...

If it helps, I'll make out with you.

Andy Grabia said...

This is such a no-brainer that I can't even believe we are having the conversation. I mean, Chris' woman is much better looking than Sac, but still. What happens if the Oil lose because of the beard shave? It ruins the relationship, is what. Unless Chris isn't really the superfan that he claims to be, I don't see how a relationship can be salvaged from such a tragic error. And even if it does survive, it will be tarnished forever. Chris will be sixty-five years old, sitting on the couch with his grandkids, recounting the time Grandma ruined the Oilers Stanley Cup run because she made him shave some facial hair. The kids will say, "but we haven't won a Cup since then, Grandpa" and Grandpa will mutter, "oh, I know. Oh I know," as he pours strychnine into Grandma's coffee.

We haven't won a Stanley Cup in 15 years. Karmically, this beard shave could sink us for another 15 more. Hell, we could lose the franchise because of this. Do you want to end up like some Red Sox fan, Chris, suffering for the next 60 years of your life? For the love of God, man, do the right thing.

ThePrinceofLies said...

Okay Chris, here is what you have to do. Take a picture of yourself and the beard from several angles (one for each possible remaining game). Wear a different shirt every time. Try to make the later ones more haggard. Then you can shave the fucker off. Post the pictures of yourself as if you still have the beard. No one will ever know.

Andy Grabia said...

Fuck you, Fenwick. I know that is you.

sacamano said...

Nope, Fenwick is all over it and is requesting that Chris! have the current day's newspaper in the background as proof of date.

theDrizzler said...

Dude,

I don't want to have to be vulgar on my first ever comment on your glorious page, but there is more than one way to skin a cat and definately more than one way to stroke a pussy. Promise her a one-sided evening of worship and then get creative with that beard. And absolutely under no circumstances should you be forced to shave yours if she is unwillng to shave hers.

p.s. It's the little button under the hood, hit that and she'll let you grow hair on your back. You seem to be a pretty decent writer, which should make you a cunning linguist, there is no need to shave the beard.

Andy Grabia said...

I wonder if we can be so crude on here that she actually breaks up with him before Wednesday? Hmm. I am honestly tempted.

Andy Grabia said...

Fenwick is all over it and is requesting that Chris! have the current day's newspaper in the background as proof of date.

Remember that these guys probably have printing presses in their apartments. I need further verification.

Dennis said...

I think Andy nailed it...will you ever forgive yourself if you shave the beard and the Oilers immeadiately go into the tank?

And of course the other guy is right as well...you could have five eyes and three noses but if you agreed to continous cunnilingus you'd never be single.

Chris! said...

All right, that's enough talk of clitorises and cunnilingus out of the peanut gallery. Isn't there something hockey-related we could talk about instead? Yeesh.

Andy Grabia said...

How is this not hockey related? You started the whole damn thing by growing the beard in the first place.

theDrizzler said...

If you shave the beard we might not have any hockey left to talk about. She's going to leave you eventually anyway, young women are too fickle in that regard. Don't shave the beard. We'll all be there for you. And so will Chris Pronger. Think about Chris.

Andy Grabia said...

Just ignore The Drizzler, Chris. Colin drops everything for his woman. Our entire fantasy baseball league has been controlled by whether or not he has to spend time pleasing her every whim. Cosh, Matt, and Tyler can all testify.

theDrizzler said...

True, but we haven't missed a hockey game. And as much as she hates my beard, she has acknowledged the exception to the rule. She also hasn't harrassed me about the smelly jersey laying on the floor in the exact same place it has laid collecting good luck and Oiler victories since the end of game 2. It may have something to do with spending the rest of the time pleasing her every whim. Andy, you don't think I would actually sacrifice the Oilers for the ABC in alotting time to the three things I love the most: the Oil, the Girl, and Baseball. Until the dream comes to an end, the girl plays second fiddle to the Oil, then she'll play second fiddle to the ABC. I Promise.

Mind you, we have exceptional girlfriends with regards to our love of sports, but until Chris makes the wrong decision, he needs to know he's not alone in this hirsute, hockey first world. Good luck my brothers, and go Oil.

Bisonchef said...

Keep the beard Chris, it becomes you. It's not as if there aren't any beards in her family (which I'm part of). In fact last night at dinner there were 2 beards sitting at the table with her. (The beards were on the men by the way, not the women.) Have you purchased a trimmer yet?

Enjoy the bison (I'm sending it down with girlfriend),and thanks for the plug in the paper.

Peter

mudcrutch79 said...

It's not as if there aren't any beards in her family (which I'm part of).

Yeah, this is a discussion about my sister (or female relative) that I'd want to read. Particularly the parts where Mitz chimed in.

sacamano said...

Last comment on your beard. If you do decide to shave it off, which I still maintain would be a travesty, do not forget the instructions of shaving -- usually reserved for Stage 7.

"Since you've put all this effort in, it is a bad idea to simply shave off the entire beard in one go. It is much more fun to remove it in stages (with photo documentation of each stage), and give yourself at minimum the Friendly Mutton Chops and the Hulihee. Wear them around town for a day or so, just for the fun of it."

Also, remember that you might not be doing your life-partner any favours by shaving, given that your skin will be like that of a pimply junior-high student. Ewwwww, gross.

Matt said...

Actually, if you're skipping to Stage 7, the Chin Curtain is the way to go. Mostly solves the problem (such as it is) vis-a-vis making out, but leaves with you with some playoff beardage.

Also, Ryan Smyth has a playoff goatee, so I'd say the Partial Shaving Ban is more of an Advisory.

Also, you're welcome.

Andy Grabia said...

I can't wait until Chris shaves, we lose, and he is forced to go into a beardless protection program.