Thursday, May 25, 2006

We. Are. Fucked.

The picture below has convinced me. It might not be tonight. It might not be through three games of a potential Stanley Cup final. But make no mistake, we're fucked.

I know I boo-hooed the hubris before, and it hasn't cost us. But it's gone too far. It's not just sacamano's karma-baiting in the comments of the previous post--it's far beyond that.

For starters, there's that lengthy discussion at BoA of what to do with the Campbell bowl. I don't think that's anything for a group of post-1988 Oilers fans to be discussing.

It doesn't end there. Kristine, of the infamous beard controversy, e-mailed me the following: "Cheer for the Ducks tonight. If we win, I have to go cover the potential riot on Whyte, which I really don't feel like doing. (We can win on Saturday.)." And she calls herself a fan. But she's only indicative of the larger feeling in the city--people talking about how they don't want the Oilers to sweep, because it might make them overconfident; discussions of fan fatigue; people hoping for a quick series so they can get back to their normal life; people STARTING TO TAKE WINS FOR GRANTED!

It's more, though: the car parade. We might as well have painted the words "Hockey Gods" on 118ave for all of the jackasses with oil derricks in the boxes of their '97 Chevys to drive over. Shopper's Drug Mart is selling Oilers coasters for $7.99 (price frozen until June 9, when presumably they'll go back down to a $1.50), and they're one of the least offensive cash-ins on the Oilergasm (the dog grooming place on Whyte is probably the cheapest attempted tie-in I've ever seen). is pathetic, somehow managing to screw up the time-honoured tandem of the internet and female exploitation. The complaints about Whyte Ave partying have taken a firm stranglehold, even though there's been maybe 20 complete idiots out of the thousands upon thousands stalking Whyte each night, which has to be well below our usual average. People in downtown office buildings are complaining freely about all the hype, while the part caught up in all the hype pulls freshly bought jerseys over their ample frames, stopping in at Bandwagoniers in between their job at EPCOR and the food court. About the only way this city could possibly produce more bad karma for itself would be to erect a Colossus-size statue of Chris Pronger hoisting the Cup outside Rexall, made entirely of papier mache championship banners and the entire cast of Boys on the Bus.

I'm still holding out hope, fans, but I think we've forgotten than the key to Oilers fandom is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Times is too good now, people is too self-assured--that shoe is going to fall, and all that will be left is a footprint the size of Whyte Ave. I wish it could be otherwise, friends, but...well, it seems we're flying too close to the sun on wings made of car flags. I wish I didn't have to be Daedalus, but there it is. Fuck.


Dan-O-Mite said...

As long as the Oilers aren't getting caught up in the hype then it's okay. However, almost every interview I've seen has had them being pretty fucking cocky. I'm worried.

Paul said...

Fowles in the Frithes,
The Fishes in the Flood,
And me, mon Waxen Wings,
For the Best of Bone and Bloode.

...or sumpin like it from Sir Gawain?


We're playing the fowl,
We've beat the Fish,
Now we're flyin to high to the sun with our waxen wings,
For the Oil to win the cup.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, Dave, that isn't a dog-grooming place on Whyte that's gone hawg wylde on Oilers fevah. It's a dog clothing store. It sells dog slippers and tiny little doggie Oilers jerseys.

Commence puking,
R. E. Biesinger

Colby Cosh said...

I don't think that's anything for a group of post-1988 Oilers fans to be discussing.

(Checks birth certificate, double-checks program from 1978 WHA All-Star Game, shakes head in confusion)

Pleasure Motors said...

Well, fuck--even dogs can ride bandwagons.

Also, Colby, I was referring to a group of Oilers fans in a time period after 1988. For instance, we're a group of 2006 Oiler fans. Six years ago we were 2000 Oilers fans; next year we'll be 2007 Oilers fans, if there's anything left of the team/city.

Also, paul, that's maybe the most literate comment ever posted on this blog.

lowetide said...

You're thinking too much.

Steve said...

Jesus, it's Raymond Biesinger.

And Dave, thank you for posting what all of us right-thinking types have been thinking for a while now. When I cautiously predicted an Oilers win in this series - in six games, no less - I was concerned that I might be jinxing things (that being the first Oiler playoff series victory I've predicted since the early nineties). But now. . . yeah, it's all gone too far. I'm the least of offenders.

Colby Cosh said...

That's all right. I wasn't really at the '78 All-Star Game anyway--I bought the program at a card shop.

sacamano said...

Damn. I just finished my Pronger Mache. What am I supposed to do with it now. If I burn it in effigy will that please you?

Anonymous said...

I have a few thousand dollars in severance money from Dose that I will give to the person who assassinates the members of the Black Eyed Peas for desecrating the memory of Nina Simone. Fergie must die a particularly slow death.

Randy said...

Yeah, Nina was a weird choice. Also, I'd forgotten how terrible Paul Lorieau sings the Star Spangled Banner. Jesus.

Jayke said...

Clearly, whoever wins the series—and as I write this, during the first intermission of game four, the identity of that team is looking increasingly in doubt—has only one real choice of what to do with the Campbell Bowl: gather around it, undo their hockey pants, pull down their jock straps, and collectively urinate on it. It's the only way to truly convince the Hockey Gods that they're not getting too full of themselves.

Andy Grabia said...

I hope Sac chokes on that fucking poem he wrote earlier today.

Anonymous said...

Update yr site. I want instant commentary, dammit. We lost. We looked terrible. We had 3 goals and Laraque got one of them(!)

(Btw: my word verification for this comment is "jiizvy.")

Anonymous said...

From the hoots, hollers and honks emanating from Whyte Ave as I type this, one would be forgiven for thinking the Oilers did not actually just get their asses handed to them. Now, I don't know if the Oilers themselves deserve the ignominious fate of becoming just the fourth team in pro sports history to blow a 3-0 series lead, but their fans sure do. Your team lost, motherfuckers. Show some restraint, some gravitas. This is a time for soul-searching and somber reflection. Carousing and frivolity after a loss are for unserious bandwagoneers.

This-and I cannot stress this point enough- is the playoffs, where the momentum of en entire series can change in the blink of an eye (or in the flick of Lupul's wrist).

Now I hear what you're saying: "Oh, Anonymous blog commenting guy," you say. "They still have three chances to put this thing away." To this I say: fuck you, moron. That kind of thinking, while mathematically correct, is the kind that will find you watching a dejected Oilers team skate off the ice in six days time while Scott Niedermayer hoists the Campbell cup. This is not a team that can laugh off any loss. This is a team that needs to play every game like it is their last. This is also a team that needs to play every game without Jaro (Sissy) Spacek. Jesus, the guy with the worst plus/minus on the team is not the guy you want out against any of the other team's top three lines. But I digress.

In closing, I could accept some degree of rowdiness if it was of the "drunken rage" variety (complete with burning cop cars and garbage cans hurled at lines of advancing riot police). But this Mardi Gras shit is whistling past the graveyard.

Anonymous said...

Everybody relax. It's just one game. I think many people including myself felt that a sweep of the Ducks tonight and a birth in the dance would have been to generous.

We were up 3-0 and never played our best game. Now we need to play our best game in order to win. Anonymous #1 is right... this is the playoffs where momentum shifts rule the day and you are only as good as your last shift or stretch or game.

The Ducks found a way to win and got into the Oilers head a bit tonight with an excellent 1st period. The Oil have to rebound and I believe they will.

Three things that bothered me tonight:

1. Torres played for Harvey and didn't do anything. I don't know what MacT was thinking taking him out for a guy who lost half his body weight in five days. Bad coaching decision. He should draw back in next game.

2. Why was Samsonov with 16-83??? He should have played with 37-34 because it was working. Like Cherry said you don't change a winning lineup if you don't have to.

3. Giguere comes in and wins the first game in Edmonton in 7 years and 14 games. Roloson looked good but he didn't get enough support.

There are some things that need to be addresed before the Oilers play the next game.

Rest assured I believe the Orbs of Power will lead the way.

P.S. please no more talk about bowls, cups or silverware of any kind until they wrap this up.


Zanstorm said...

"This-and I cannot stress this point enough- is the playoffs, where the momentum of en entire series can change in the blink of an eye (or in the flick of Lupul's wrist)."

OR the smug smirk on Laraque's face in the penalty box in Game 3.

Hey isn't that a picture of a baby Chris Pronger on your post? Looks just like him.

How can you say the Oilers haven't played their best hockey yet? I think that applies more to the Ducks than the Oils. The Oils just got off a bloody winning streak, and the Ducks finally got a lead in the series!