Monday, May 1, 2006

Y'all ready for this, indeed.

Andy at Sports Matters already snagged that headline, but dammit, I'm using it anyhow. It's a question that has been posited by the Rexall PA system to Oilers fans for most of their adult lives, and we all know the scenario: faceoff deep in the offensive zone with 1:30 to go, Oilers down by two and the goalie pulled for the extra attacker. And then, the first staccato blasts of Casio's glorious, prepackaged "Orchestra Hit 2" blare triumphantly over the PA as the tension and urgency builds, builds... and just when you think you might pass out from all the anticipation, 2Unlimited's Ray Slijngaard inquires as to our collective preparedness for this current moment, pausing for effect before the coliseum explodes into a thunderous rad-gasm of dutifully ass-shaking techno beats.

God bless Edmonton for refusing to update their Pump Crowd Up tracklist up in the sound booth for the past fifteen years; we can all go to our graves knowing that Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping" and the Rednex's "Cotton Eye Joe" are forever only one goal deficit away.

Anyhow, are you all, in fact, ready for this? This is some serious shit we've gotten ourselves into, going up three games to two on the league's purportedly best team. in retrospect, game five was kind of easy; tonight will be significantly less so. Detroit will be coming out ready to play the hardest game of their lives, and the Oilers would do well to look deep into their hearts for the answer to 2Unlimited's eternal question.

Because here's the thing: the Oilers are the better team. We've proven that in every game expect Four, and the follies of that one have already been forgotten. All that we need is to find that elusive killer instinct. It takes guts to finish off a team when they're down, and the Oilers have always seemed more comfortable with the randomness of a last-goal-wins game-seven scenario. Not me, though. It has to happen tonight, in the league's loudest barn in front of fans who actually give a fuck about the fortunes of their team and, at the very least, know how to properly boo a hated member of the opposition (note to Detroit fans who decided they should probably start hating Chris Pronger despite the noted lack of any antagonism whatsoever: consistency, volume and a reason are all fairly important). Buoyed by the awesomeness of the surroundings, Oilers win 4-3.

And to all those Edmonton fans who seem to be cheering for a Calgary victory tonight as well, please stop it. Don't you see we'd be playing right into their hands? Give Calgary credit where it's due: they play incredibly well against us. Wouldn't you rather face a soft-bellied San Jose? If you must cheer for the Flames, let it go to seven games. At least then Jarmoe might be too tuckered out from all that scoring to put up much of a fight.

Incidentally, if the Oilers do beat Detroit and Anaheim somehow manages to take out the Flames, that would mean the top four teams in the West would have been knocked out in the first round. Has that ever happened? I'd look it up, but that's boring.

I'll be watching the game at work tonight, but rest assured that my this-readiness will be at its highest level ever. 2Unlimited would expect nothing less.

Finally, buh buh buh BEARDWATCH. Getting kind of shaggy. Holes are filling in. I find myself stroking it absentmindedly from time to time. Are there any other beard criteria left to meet? Besides attractiveness, I mean.

10 comments:

Matt said...

The mustache is a little weak, but on the plus side, it looks like your connectors are coming in.

BEARD RATING: 6 Robyn Regehrs out of 10 Jamie Macouns.

Steve said...

Um, I have to take serious issue with anybody who thinks that the Oilers have been the better team this series. The Oilers won games two and three only because Detroit was gracious enough to screw up just badly enough just often enough to give the Oilers the win. Game five was the only one that the Oilers actually deserved.

Not that Detroit deserves the series, mind you - they surrendered two (almost three) games in which they outplayed arguably the worst team to qualify for the playoffs.

I'll be thrilled if the Oilers make it through, but I'll still be a little short of calling them the series' better team.

sacamano said...

And then, the first staccato blasts of Casio's glorious, prepackaged "Orchestra Hit 2" blare triumphantly over the PA as the tension and urgency builds, builds... and just when you think you might pass out from all the anticipation, 2Unlimited's Ray Slijngaard inquires as to our collective preparedness for this current moment, pausing for effect before the coliseum explodes into a thunderous rad-gasm of dutifully ass-shaking techno beats.

This is, without a doubt, my favourite sentence that you have ever written. Spectacular. Simply spectacular.

Beard Notes Wow! To be frank, I didn't see that much difference between your first three stubble photos; but, my friend, you are most certainly now a bearded man. I especially like how you've got it all combed back and down, like you are going someplace.

Put on some tweed and you could walk into an English sessional position in any institution in the world.

jon said...

Detroit might potentially be the better team, but in terms of actual performance they really have yet to convincingly show they're been the better team here. Detroit has two wins. The first came by the intervening hand almighty of God, as Kirk Maltby scored two of the flukiest goals evar. The second win, game 4, is what Detroit would need two more of to convince me that they're the better team in this series.

Black Dog Hates Skunks said...

I'm no Calculator but seeing as the Oilers have won three out of five games played thus far, uh, that would mean they have been the better team in the series so far.

Beard? Damn sexy! And far ahead of the majority of the players I believe.

Chris! said...

I think this beard shot owes more to play of light and shadow than actual growth, but hey. I'll take it.

Also, it occurs to me: does anyone know if the Oilers game is getting the national feed tonight, or do I once again have to scramble (in vain) to find an Edmonton CBC feed?

Robert Cleave said...

Chris, the game is first of a double header, nationwide, no hide and seek required. Puck drop at 8ET/6MT, with Cal/Ana to follow.

MetroGnome said...

2Unlimited's Ray Slijngaard

PLEASE tell me you had to look this up somewhere for the purpose of this post...

Paul O-the O stands for Sports said...

For the record, the Top 4 seeds in a conference hasn't happened, mainly because up until a couple a decade or so ago,they were still actually doing divisional playoffs and not conference ones, so they didn't have the top 4 seeds.

Eyeris said...

Chris, not only did your beard give the Oilers mythical winning powers, it also give you shockingly accurate game predictions.