Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Are you there, Oilers? It's me, your fans.

Dear Edmonton Oilers:

Hey dudes, how's it going? Not so good, huh? Yeah, I noticed you were kind of not winning much lately — and don't get me wrong; normally I'd be cool with that. It happens every once in a while. I can accept that. But, you know, you couldn't have picked a worse time than right now for an offensive slump. Really. I'm behind you guys; I consider you to be my bros — perhaps even my bro-hams — But not cool, you guys. This shit is major not cool.

Don't you see? You're, like, beating yourselves right now! Sure, the Canes are a good team, all scoring goals and clearing the front of the net watching their rookie goalie stop that first shot and let rebounds out like a drunken trampoline and shit. I know I can't expect all that all the time from the Oilers. I accept that. But I don't need it all the time. I just need it when it counts.

Remember the Anaheim series when you guys were all, like, ravaged by disease and puking in between periods and trying to ignore the sensation that your eyes were sinking back into your heads a little further with every hour... and yet you still scored every time you got close to the net?? That was fucking crazy, man! Even at your lowest point, you had serious capitalization skills. You wanted it.

Also, I guess you had a power play back then; what's been up with that? Shit's gotta be fixed, guys. Look, if we can't do anything down low and our point is getting crowded into futility, why not switch to an umbrella system with three guys up top? Let Peca and Smyth camp out in front and bounce rebounds off their chests all fucking night. I don't care how it goes in. It just has to go in. This would be an entirely different series if our power play was connecting. Maybe if that douche Craig Simpson spent more time thinking about that and less getting his Sonic the Hedgehog 'do just so, we wouldn't have our backs to the wall so bad.

Look, it comes down to this: All I want to see is a few smart decisions and a lot hard work. There's nothing left to lose, bros. This is it. If you gotta go out, go out with a bang. Show those cocky-ass, trash-spewing Carolina fans what this team is made of, and give me one more chance to cheer you on at the Drugstore.

Alright, look, I'm going to go grab a beer. You just think about our talk, okay? Oh, you want anything while I'm there? Right, yeah. I guess that'd be a pretty bad idea, being all drunk and shit for the game. Funny, but bad.

Goilers.

Rock on,
Your fans

PS: HONK HONK WHOOOO!!!

15 comments:

mudcrutch79 said...

Chris-you guys watching the game anywhere tonight?

Anonymous said...

No, I'm working tonight, unfortunately. Cheer extra hard for me.

chris

Alana said...

No Beardwatch?

mudcrutch79 said...

Congrats on the work anyway. There'll be another Oilers game Saturday.

Anonymous said...

that CRAIG guy chimin' in with a GOILERS!
and, well i'm at it, a Honk Honk - Whooo!!!

Anonymous said...

Harvey is in for Laraque tonight. Thoughts?

Steve

Andy Grabia said...

Awesome. I know that guy! I am just angry you used the word "douche." I was planning on using it to describe Joe Camel tonight. A giant bag of douche. Damn.

taulpaul said...

Insomnia (Bathurst and Bloor) is an amazing place to watch the game - cheap quality food - 4$ heinies, huge theatre quality screen surround sound couches hot waitresses etc.

taulpaul said...

oh ya and BTW... remember all the 3-1 comebacks in the day, remember the idea that Edmonton has never had a cinderella stanley win, remember the idea that MacT is just infinately cooler than the violet...

ya.

3 games to go

lowetide said...

congrats chris (work) and to the Oilers for coming out of the 1st 3-2.

And congrats to all Oiler fans who didn't rip Hemsky during and after the last game. Tonight's first period is why you don't bury these guys.

Sermon over.

Andy Grabia said...

Sound statistical analysis, lowetide. Your one period sample is solid.

Anonymous said...

That's my boy!! Everybody kiss a tranny for Pisani now.
Tucksie

dave said...

'nando!!!!!!

Alana said...

Holy Fuck! GOILERS!

Bill said...

Where's my Abba CD?
Fernando! GOILERS!