Thursday, June 8, 2006

To hear the lamentation of their women

That right there (uh, sans the black jizz on the side with an unknown origin) is the crest of Jussi Markkanen's home town. That is fucking hardcore. I have no idea what those are (lightning spears!), or what they're supposed to symbolize (slay all who would oppose us!), but that's the kind of heraldry that makes you want to put on a loin cloth and pick up a battle axe and just fucking charge headlong into a crowd of centurions bellowing "FOR THE HONOUR OF ALTHURA MADRA!!!" or something.

I have no idea about the history of Imatra, but I bet in Finland it's known for sharp cheeses and the type of men who would stab you with a broken vodka bottle for even thinking about taking their stool. It seems to me like Jussi should hang that above his stall and make everybody stare at it for about ten minutes before game three, so they're ready to go out there and just eat Hurricanes like complimentary airline peanuts.

I was thinking about saying more, but I'm still a little down. For now, let this inspire you all.

UPDATE: Edmonton's Coat of Arms. Considerably less ass-kicky. This looks like something you'd find on Grannie's china. The flying gearwheel should be replaced with a skull (and that sun or whatever it is should be made to look more like pure flames), and the woman should drop the flowers and books and be holding the other dude's severed head in her arms. "Industry, Integrity, Progress" should be "Rockin' is our Business; Business is Good!" written in a KISS font. I'm honestly not sure if I'm describing a badass city logo or what the rigpig I went to high school with painted on the hood of his Camaro anymore, but either way, I think it would be more fitting of Edmonton.



UPDATED
UPDATE: Booze, bitches and communism courtesy of artist and gentleman Raymond Biesinger, whose fabulous non-coat of arms related work can be viewed by clicking on his name. I am especially a fan of "rickets," if only because I find it an especially comical disease. Let's see you 'Canes fans top this.

FUCKING GOILERS!!!!

16 comments:

matt said...

I'm fucking inspired. We'll win Saturday, light some bonfires, and things will be totally fine.

Neil said...

If business is so good, why am I still fuckin' broke?

Fuckin Oilers! said...

Jussi's hometown symbol looks like something from WWII era Germany! Oilers are the 4th Reich! Time to open our Goalie extermination camps, first vistor Cam Ward.

Chris said...

FWIW, this is the Great Seal of North Carolina. The Latin inscription translates to "to be rather than to seem"

Bill said...

I'm recommending $500 fines for any Oiler on the powerplay who doesn't shoot the puck after two passes.

Bill said...

As for a City of Edmonton emblem, I recommend this.

mike w said...

Also I $500 fine whenever Bergeron and Spacek slap the puck 10 feet wide of the net.

I really think the powerplay would be back to 20% if they simply wristed the puck to the net and went for a rebound - especially with Carolina's D cheating so much to the point.

Also: our city's emblem is beautiful. But to make it more authentic I'd make the trapper wear those Winter moon boots Edmontonians always seem to wear when shovelling snow off of their walks. That and the girl on the right would be in a shopping cart showing off her tits.

Pleasure Motors said...

Neil: yes!

Bill said...

Don't get me going on wrist shots ... Who decided that stopping the puck, lifting your stick in the air and bringing it down as the goalie sets, defence slide in front and the crowd settle in their seats (as everyone sees where the shot is coming from and when) was better than a shot you get off quickly?

ninja said...

Great post, PM, and educational. Now I know what a rigpig is.

CasonBlog said...

I think that symbol is the heraldic device of the 50th SS Panzer Divsion, Das Scapegoat.

Anonymous said...

Can someone out there who is good at photoshop PLEASE make that Coat of Arms happen?!?

jon said...

I think the following interview should take place:

Principe: Jussi, what is best in life?

Markkanen: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!

Principe: Thank you Jussi. You heard it here first, the Oilers' new gameplan for Saturday night.

bluebloodrunsthick said...

That symbol kinda does look like the nazi double lightning spears back in WWII. Whatever it is, maybe Juicy can tell his players to start throwing spears I mean shots at the net with some nazi-like authority in gm3. Get more traffic and bury some rebounds upstairs on Ward. Also maybe stop pinching like Ozolinsh and play some sound defensive hockey for a change combined with smart counters and hard forechecking.

Rest assured the pharmacy will be pumping tomorrow. I think the boys know what they have to do and should pull out a huge win because it's do or die time and whyte ave here has been dying to party it up in these finals.

P.S. For any of those who are superstitious hockey fans(like myself) it's interesting to note that the Oil beat SJ in triple OT in gm3 on May 10th(my birthday) then went on to win the series and 7 straight. Tomorrow is June 10th.

Nenenene nenenene (twilight zone theme plays in the background)

Hopefully history repeats itself as it has so many times before in NHL playoffs. We shall see...

GOILERS!!!

Julian said...

P.S. For any of those who are superstitious hockey fans(like myself) it's interesting to note that the Oil beat SJ in triple OT in gm3 on May 10th(my birthday) then went on to win the series and 7 straight. Tomorrow is June 10th.

Hey me too. I got an oilers sweater for my birthday that day, I wore it every game day, except of course, game four against anaheim.

I was wearing it on monday night, but after that game, all my game-day routines and outfits are shot to hell.

bluebloodrunsthick said...

"Hey me too. I got an oilers sweater for my birthday that day, I wore it every game day, except of course, game four against anaheim."

That's weird... my boss took me to Game 6 of the SJ series and bought me a home jersey after the big win as a belated b-day gift. I wore it for every game except game4 with Anaheim

"I was wearing it on monday night, but after that game, all my game-day routines and outfits are shot to hell."

Yea me too pretty much. I wore it on Monday and whipped it off in disgust after Conklin Clown lost us the game. I never wore it for game2 but obviusly it didn't seem to matter. Maybe the Hockey Gods will pay attention to the calendar more than they do to what us die-hard fans where on gameday because the May10th-June10th thing is too eerie.

Prediction: 3-2 Oil Hemsky in double OT

GOILERS!!!