Thursday, June 29, 2006

You'd hate it here, Tomas Kaberle...

Fuck, I swear my heart stops for a couple seconds every time I hear it's even conceivably possible that we would trade Pronger to the goddamned Maple Leafs.

The Leafs! And I can even live with mentions of Matt Stajan and Thomas Steen, kind of. But Tomas Kaberle? TOMAS KABERLE? The guy has one above-average season and suddenly he's a number-one defenceman? Pssh. Maybe in Toronto, where even the most painfully average players get lifted to the heavens to sup with the gods by the fatally optimistic sports media just for being proveably okay. But sweet christ: there are by all reports still 10 to 12 teams in the running willing to part with the quality scorer, quality defenceman and the high pick the Oilers are asking for — surely there's a better deal out there. Luckily, the Oil are apparently courting Redden pretty hard, which as Mr. McKenzie notes, means we can focus more on younger talent, making a deal with, say, Florida or San Jose more likely.

Also working in our favour to quell this Toronto nonsense is the fact that Kaberle's no-trade clause kicks in on July 1st, meaning he's not going anywhere he doesn't want to go.

So yeah, seriously, Tomas Kaberle: you know everything bad people say about Edmonton? Totally fucking true. It's cold as hell, culturally bankrupt, alternatingly buried in snow or the brown filth of its road salt and the crushing weight of its own isolation. I don't know what you're into doing for fun, but if it's supposed to be a good time, buddy, you won't find it here. West Edmonton Mall is a sad joke that only the medically retarded and 13-year-olds seem to get, Whyte Avenue is an unqualified hellzone full of stabbings and American Eagle-clad college kids with too much cologne drunkenly careening into one another like angry, Funky Pickle-fueled molecules, and that "thriving theatre community" people like to cite? It only exists during the Fringe's two-week run, and for the rest of the year it's really just three delapidated playhouses half full at best with supportive friends and aspiring artistes who would rather be sniping one another bitterly at the Next Act or sobbing themselves to sleep in their cramped studio apartments.

What else? Oh yeah. The North Saskatchewan is full of cancer, the sky is black with refinery smoke, and every night, at the stroke of midnight, we all convene at Churchill Square and drink each other's pee. Oh fuck, and I almost forgot about the hippies. The hippies, Tomas Kaberle. The mind recoils. While puking on itself.

You'd hate it here, dude. If anyone tries to trade you here, stab them right in the jaw. Dropkick their kids in the face. Go back in time and erase their ancestors. Do whatever you can to stay away.

Wade Redden, however? He'd love it!

30 comments:

allan said...

http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/news_story/?ID=169972&hubname=

McCabe signed his silly deal, so the Leafs are effectively out.

mudcrutch79 said...

You can rule out the Christie Chorley rumours - some guy from OilFans emailed her.

His polite query:

Christie, I hope these rumours going around that Chris Pronger was
fucking you aren't true.

If he's leaving Edmonton because his wife found out about an affair, and
it happened to be with you...GOD I'll be mad! I mean, I can't say I
blame him. You are pretty hot, but that's SO unprofessional...if it's true, of
course.

If it's not true, sorry for bothering you, and keep up the good work.


Her response:

I'm not sure who you are or how you got my email address but no the
rumour is not true. I am happily married as is Chris I'm sure. Thank
you for your concern.

Pleasure Motors said...

I can't believe that guy did that. And then he offers a contrite apology at the end (if the rumours aren't true), like he didn't just accuse her of being a moral-less harlot! No wonder people want to leave this fucking city.

Also, Chris!, to be fair, a lot of the American Eagle-clad kids aren't really college kids, unless you count Marvel or whatever training programs rigs/warehouses offer.

Chris! said...

Man, that poor woman. And polite my ass; that kid is retarded for contacting her. A couple more poorly-chosen words and she could be talking to the police about harassment charges. In fact, I hope she does. Jackasses.

Colby Cosh said...

On the other hand, she does seem to be on a first-name basis with the big man.

brazzy said...

Eep. I'm afraid Ms Chorley may be receiving more emails. Deadspin has just posted on Prongergate.

Jes GÅ‘lbez said...

Kaberle was also MVP and top defenseman in Czechia during the lockout. He's had two damn fine seasons in a row.

Kaberle signed a long-term deal with the Leafs because he wanted to be there, not anywhere else. If you signed a contract and then find out a few months later that you are being offered about, I'm sure you'd be more than disturbed.

PS: I find it hard to believe that this Corley character would even acknowledge an email as stupid as that one.

Scott Hennig said...

Looks like Pronger's decision was made (or made for him) back in March.

http://calsun.canoe.ca/Sports/Hockey/2006/06/29/1659407-sun.html

The Acid Queen said...

That link is 404-compliant.

Andy Grabia said...

Deadspin picked it up? My God.

If we pick up Kaberle, you will find me on the railroad track on the top of the High Level bridge. Don't bother trying to talk me down, either.

mudcrutch79 said...

What's funny about deadspin picking it up is that they got it off of some blog that I've never heard of. What's more, that guy's source appears to be the same cut and paste job that was pasted here and around the oilogosphere accusing Pronger of having jungle fever.

Alex said...

Since the Leafs resigned McCabe (at 5.5 a year), I think they're a longshot to land Pronger. They'd have close to $20 mil tied up between the two of them and Sundin.

Neil said...

Exactly - the "anonymous" comments @ 9:36 AM yesterday on the "Edmonton: kicked, while down" post are the exact same text that this other blog purports to be an e-mail from a TSN source. So, did this e-mail exist?

ninja said...

So why is edmontonoilers.com's admin issuing a C&D?

Cosh, exactly. Read between the lines.

ninja said...

Oh yeah, you are way off in your assessment of Kaberle. Better than Redden? I think so.

allan said...

Deadspin is saying that the email is from a TSN source, but that blog post says that it was addressed to TSN staff, but I could see no mention at all of who it came from.

And the post on the Oilers' board says that they are under threat of legal action from someone other than Pronger's people. Maybe Mrs. Chorley isn't too fond of the emails.

Back on topic, I don't quite get the hate of Kaberle. He plus a good forward and/or some good prospects would probably be a decent return. The trouble is that the Leafs don't have the "+" for a [Pronger] for [Kaberle +] type deal.

Anonymous said...

ninja: well, who can argue with logic like that? And moot point now, anyhow, since Redden just re-signed with the Sens.

Also, I can't believe how quickly this clearly baseless rumour about Chorley has swept the internet. You'll note that the email quoted on the site Deadspin linked to isn't from a "TSN source" at all, but rather was received by someone at TSN from an external source and circulated throughout the office.

Honestly, I'm astonished, and I find myself getting increasingly angry on Ms. Chorley's behalf. Some asshole pops into every hockey blog he knows and anonymously posts a "fact" without offering any evidence to support it whatsoever, and suddenly it's getting linked like it's the scoop of the century.

And no matter what happens, this poor woman's reputation and professional life in Edmonton is now pretty much fucked.

Jesus christ, people, is it really that hard to accept that Pronger's family doesn't want to live here and he made a bad career move to support that? Is that just too mundane? Fuck.

chris!

Zanstorm said...

Chris, you UNDERESTIMATE the power of Kaberle. At least he can rush the puck up the ice, unlike the slow, lingering Pronger.

Anonymous said...

I have it on good authority hat the anonymous e-mailer/commentor/Chorley stalker is concealing his identity b/c he is a well known local goat-fucker responsible for the fucking of many goats throughout the greater Edmonton area over the past year and a half. Spread the word!

ninja said...

Just offering as much logic on the Redden preference as I read in the post. A quick look at the last two campaigns demonstrates their point production is very similar.

Despite most of Canada being forced to watch Leafs games on HNIC, Kaberle is still one of the best kept secrets in the league. I don't get that.

My point being the players are very equitable and the it's nonsense to dismiss Kaberle while pining for Redden.

BTW, did Wade get a no-trade clause?

Anonymous said...

Nice to see Oilers fans caught that same uppity disease Flamers got a few years ago after a similiarly unlikely run.

mudcrutch79 said...

the slow, lingering Pronger.

So slow and lingering that some are left with a daily reminder of his presence for 18 years after he leaves.

Robert Cleave said...

So slow and lingering that some are left with a daily reminder of his presence for 18 years after he leaves.

Tyler, that really is excellent, and hopefully not actionable.

Swabbubba said...

Kaberle a secret. I guess the secret what has he done to deserve that deal. TO is the dumbest franchise in the league they over pay anyone with glimmer of hope. Don't they get it you have 44 M to do an entire year. They actually have 39M for next year because they have to give Belfour 5M to turn in his empties.. At least I think it will cost them to make him go away

Colby Cosh said...

Maybe a three-sided Pronger deal with Florida and Toronto makes the most sense.

Julian said...

This pronger-illegitmate-child rumour seems to be based soley on this single email/blogspam eh? Maybe someone with an axe to grind with Mrs. Chorley? It's certainly a situation begging for a juicy explanation, and the Prongers haven't done anything to supply a more realistic answer.

Anonymous said...

Just to let you all know, Chorley has had nothing to do with this and the threatening and disgusting e-mails she is receiving are not fair to her or to her family.

It's so convenient that the Oilers have said nothing, wouldn't want to diminish Prongers trade value. I have lost respect for the Oilers and Pronger,way to hurt the innocent Pronger. Sometinmes you need to come clean on things and Pronger you coward, this is one of those times.

Colby Cosh said...

Yeah, two other media people have told me in the last 48 hours that the Chorley thing seems to have come completely out of nowhere. Honestly, she doesn't even seem to be a particularly good choice as the random subject of a sleazy rumour.

Anonymous said...

hey dumb ass last i checked the leafs kicked your gaylers

Anonymous said...

The Oilers wish they had a Top 5 d-man in the league in the class of Tomas Kaberle. Enjoy Smid, morons!