Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Fight test

So it seems, ladies and gentlemen, that we now, truly, completely, have entered the hockeyless void of the summer months, the oft-referred-to and quotified "dog" "days" in which hockey nerds, unable to find an obsession grandiose enough to replace the Oilers, are doomed to roam the sun-parched savannah in search of news and/or developments of any kind. All too often, this search is in vain. (Unless you find the Oilers signing Toby Petersen to a two-way contract to be interesting. I don't, really.)

But yes: apologies abound for the whole not-updating-in-a-week thing, but without even an occasional nugget of actual news to fan the flames of rapid speculation, the fire of our Oilers passion has retreated to a slow smoulder. But rest assured that there remains a few flickering embers on the underside of our lives that, when poked, will spring back to life with an intensity and a passion that will catch that guy who's sitting on the beer cooler too close to the firepit edge totally off-guard, and probably singe his flannel Mark's Work Wearhouse jacket. Or at least melt his Sorels. You know, the Sorels... of our... lives.

How do metaphors work again?

In my hands, not well.

Anyhow, in the meantime, let me ask you this:what would you rather fight, a gorilla or a bear? Justify your selection!

53 comments:

Matt said...

First! I'd take the gorilla. Teeth and claws are scary.

DrFrankLives said...
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DrFrankLives said...

gorilla, definitely. Gorillas are fairly docile, though I guess the precondition to your question is that we have already pissed off either of these much larger and stronger beasts enough to fight us and that we must actually fight back. Even then, I'll take the gorilla. I'm familiar with what will hurt a guy, and I must assume a gorilla can be hurt in similar ways. A bear? Are you kidding? Unstoppable when pissed off. Can run 30 mph for long stretches. Has immense strength, a thick hide backed by pounds of fat and muscle, huge teeth, and no evident weaknesses aside from female bears and the occasional beehive.

No thanks. I'll take the gorilla.

When does the preseason start???

CrazyCoach said...

Well, I'd take the gorilla, but not because I could kick him in the nads. Apparently (I never saw this on Mutual of Omhaha's nature sure, but read it in Maxim) a gorilla's pecker is only a whopping two inches.

Still a lot less scarier than a bear.

If its a grizzly bear, I'm even less inclined to tangle with it.

Have the Oil signed a d-man yet? I've been on vacation.

Anonymous said...

Bear vs. Gorilla =

http://www.canoe.ca/Slam020915/nhl_edm3-sun.html

Brian said...

Why not ask indie music blog Gorilla vs. Bear?

mike w said...

I lived in Jasper once and I remember reading "Bear Attacks: Their Causes and Avoidance" which was a bad idea, since it was mostly a blow-by-blow account of every single bear attack in the Northwest for the last 30 years.

I remember one story about a teenage girl getting plucked from her sleeping bag and carried off to her death, with her last words being something like "Oh my god, it's ripped off my arm!"

Unsurprisingly, somewhere around page 36 I developed a healthy fear of bears, especially Grizzlies, although I've never seen one in all of my years camping in Jasper National Park.

So I guess I'll take take a gorilla, just for the novelty. Plus, I'm sure a 600 lb bodycheck would end it pretty quickly.

Anonymous said...

Brian, how's that for coincidence? Looks like a pretty good blog, too. Thanks for the tip!

chris!

PS: All these gorilla choices... doesn't the intelligence scare you? The opposable thumbs??

Alana said...

I'll take the bear, but only if we're both on skates. A hit from behind, and that bear is finished. FINISHED!

DrFrankLives said...

I would put a bear's int5elligence up against a gorilla's. Especially when it comes to the part of the intelligence directed at "how to rip opponent's throat out."

hockeygirl said...

I think it would depend on the animals' skating ability. I guess you could get some tips from this instructional video, found at http://imdb.com/title/tt0196106/

MikeP said...

Chimps own humans on a regular basis. I'd hate to think what gorillas would do. (Monkey/ape-type creatures have teeth too.) Ever see 2001? Eek.

I'll take the bear. Make it a black one. A dude from around here killed one with his pocket knife about a month ago after it attacked him.

Par said...

As a first principle, I would rather negotiate and resolve conflict than fight. If I had to choose, I would choose to fight a gorilla. A gorilla is not a carnivore, and one might be able to distract him with food or toys, thus removing the necessity to fight. I see this as a parallel, in the human world, to being able to reason with an adversary and find creative, reasonable solutions to disputes.

...

I'm a jackass.

I'm not sure that opposable thumbs would present such a concern, unless there were opposable-thumb-requiring weapons around. In which case, it may not matter which one you fight. Still, in abstract, the gorilla seems to be an easier opponent.

Really, I just wanted to ask about the striking similarity between the title of this post and a Flaming Lips song...

So, yeah... What's up with that?

pete said...

I'd probably have to go with a bear. If only for teh lack of opposable digits.

A gorilla? Hell no! The last thing I need is to fight an animal that has the biological capacity to wield nun-chuks.

Come back hockey

Anonymous said...

As someone who was once attacked by a 30 lb monkey, I've gotta say bear.

Apes have a ridiculous muscle to body weight ratio combined with intelligence to match our own, really big teeth and an upper body strength about 6 times that of a man. They could hug you to death without even trying.

mike w said...

More anecdotes have to start of with "As someone who was once attacked by a 30 lb monkey"...

James Vander Woude said...

"intelligence to match our own..."? Speak for yourself, anonymous. I whoop primates of all kinds in Scrabble.

Colby Cosh said...

Anybody who prefers "gorilla" here is just plain wrong. If you're thinking of fucking around with a primate I suggest you Google for the story of St. James Davis and get back to me.

Pleasure Motors said...

Was that the fellow who also got the better part of his testes ripped off (speaking of apes and male parts)? I seem to recall a very graphic story of a chimpanzee attack that featured going for the groin rather prominently.

Yeah, in any case, black bear is the obvious choice: you're actually supposed to try and fight those things off if they attack you, and I assume the experts wouldn't recommend something like that if the success rate wasn't at least 51% or better. Actually, come to think of it, I'd take any kind of bear: odds are I'm going to die if it's anything more powerful than a black bear anyway, so I'll take the quick, snaps-my-neck-with-a-swipe death that a grizzly or polar bear offers over having my face and possibly genitals mauled off and being left to bleed to death.

Amarok said...

I would 100% pick the bear. The thought of a having to rumble a gorilla scares the heck out of me. Too strong and fast. A couple of quick 1-2 uppercut combos on the bear and he would be stunned. A lightning fast haymaker would make him wish he'd stayed in hibernation. It's all over, red rover!

Anonymous said...

everyone knows gorillas are pussies.

Dave said...

Anything but a fucking bearilla.

Mostly because of the opposable claws.

Anonymous said...

Bear, for the love of all that is good and holy, bear. Have you ever SEEN a gorilla attack? We had video of how they hunt during a bio class, they F**king ripped their prey apart with their bare hands.

Watching them tear a livng animal apart and eat it while it screamed in peices was just wrong. They are faster, more agile, and a helluva lot stronger than any of you think.

Provided I don't think I'd survive a bear attack either, but a gorilla will rip you limb from limb and will make sure you're dead, playing dead might work on a bear, hell you might be able to run away from it, or climb a really tall tree...but a gorilla? Good luck trying to get away from that.

Yeah...that and the nads thing...not the way to go...although when your arm is being ripped from it's socket you might not really be too distracted by loosing your nads.

Steve said...

Um, gorillas are herbivorous - what, exactly, were they "hunting"?

Also, PM, I think the experts recommend fighting back against black bears only because the chance of success is better than for any alternative, not because it's at least 51%. Incidentally, why 51%? Please tell me that it's not because you're confusing that with 50% + 1, or a majority, because then I'd have to hate you. Because I'm a pompous dinkwallet with very little sense of humour.

case said...

a golden bear named randy gregg.

Black Dog Hates Skunks said...

I'd take the gorilla.

A few people get killed by bears every year.

I want to be remembered as the guy who was killed by a gorilla.

"remember Pat - killed by a gorilla - what are the odds on that happening?"

I'm going to lose anyways - may as well get on TV!

peter said...

I'm going to go with the Bear. At first, I felt that I'd prefer the Gorilla, because he would not eat me and the Baear might.

But since they would both kill me, I'm going Bear since the Bear will probably kill me faster. Even if he would eat me after.

gary b said...

well, at least we get a choice.



it could be MUCH worse, i suppose - like, what if it was you vs. Bear AND Gorilla in a tag-team match? who then would be in YOUR corner?

for some reason i'm assuming said match would take place in a forest (jungle would be too hot for Bear). and you would obviously have to have some sort of ability to 'summon woodland creatures'.

maybe a badger or two, or a really big snake. i'v read hippos are extremely dangerous, and attack humans quite regularly in Africa. but i'm unsure about a hippo's motivation if it was vs. Bear/Gorilla.

perhaps it would be handier if you were Aquaman™ style-y, and could summon SEA creatures. then you could just drop a whale on 'em.

DrFrankLives said...

Only thing I've ever seen a gorilla attack is a piece of Samsonite luggage.

James Mirtle said...

As someone who was once attacked by a 30 lb monkey, I'd take the bearilla. Or the Goribear.

Goooori bearss.... bouncing here and there and everywhere

High adventure that's beyond compare.

Anonymous said...

A lot of people are assuming the gorilla wouldn't fight, but the question presupposes that there IS going to be a fight. So there's no backing out.

Still, I'd fight the gorilla. Bears are just crazy huge.

Amarok said...

In response to Gary B's tag-team partner question I would pick an African Elephant. That is one mean SoB when they get angry. Huge tusks and over 15,000 lb of fury to unleash.

Alex said...

Wasn't this The Gateway's joke question to candidates in the Student Union elections from a few years back?

I'm glad you guys are still posting, but how about some original material?

pete said...

In response to Gary B's tag-team partner question I would pick an African Elephant. That is one mean SoB when they get angry. Huge tusks and over 15,000 lb of fury to unleash.

So, you're proposing you'd be a complementary partner to the elephant in the aforementioned scenario?

Isn't that like me saying "Wayne Gretzky and i have combined for more than 900 goals in our respective professional hockey careers"

It needs to be said. If an elephant's in the mix, then this fight is over, no matter who's side he's on.

I'm actually pretty sure an elephant could probably take out the bear and the gorilla one after the other.

The only question is motivation. If he's angry enough -- say, if he came home from work and found the bear in bed with his wife or something -- there's no doubt the elephant runs roughshod over everybody.

Anonymous said...

Why not do what CinO did last summer: Erotic hockey slash fiction. (contest?)

Greene/Huddy is just aching to be told.

Anonymous said...

Alex: and even that was borrowed, as I ran a multi-part federal election feature that summer in which I asked all Edmonton candidates the same question when I was news ed at Vue.

My point? This question refuses to die. And look how it's brought all of us together! If the price of all this happiness was a eye-roll and a yawn from you, then buddy, it was worth it.

Anonymous said...

Also, I agree that some slash fiction is in order. Mikey?

chris!

Dave said...

Liger or tigon?

Anonymous said...

Righto Steve, my mistake, it was actually apes, I can never keep my primates straight. Well those apes were scary as anything I've seen and I think in a fight a gorilla could be just as deadly.

Mike said...

Each one of those creatures is indeed frightning on it's own. But imagine a bearilla... That's just fucking scary.

Steve said...

Biology lesson: "ape" is an umbrella term that includes gorillas, chimpanzees, orangutans (the three of which together make up the so-called "great apes") and several other species, including gibbons. Of the great apes, the only ones to eat meat to any appreciable extent are the chimps.

This is not to say that a gorilla couldn't kick all of our asses (simultaneously, even), just that if it did it would probably have to be motivated by something other than hunger.

dk said...

i'll take the bear...you have a much better chance of surviving a bear attack by punching them in the snout or gouging their eyes...where as if you did that with a gorilla, it would only serve to piss him off even more, where he would then rip of your arms and beat you to death with them...

DrFrankLives said...

There was a novel that I started to read several years ago that concerned highly intelligent trained Chimpanzees as platoons in the US Army. My dog ate it before I could finish it, but let's just say that they didn't exactly need guns.

Anonymous said...

My dog ate it before I could finish it


I laughed so much at this

Jordi said...

Dolphin.

Oh that's not an answer? Damn.

DrFrankLives said...

By the way, I'd put that dog (a 90lb Oorang Airedale) up against either of these guys.

Alana said...

snakes!

Vic Ferrari said...

Well, I'd be dead either way so I may as well follow Pat's reasoning, go the gorilla route and become famous. I'm assuming that we're comparing to a grizzly bear here. Because I'm pretty sure that I could kick a Koala bear's ass (and before the biologists wig out on me, I don't care if they're really bears or not).

In a death match of a gorilla vs a man with a ball pean hammer, wearing nothing but boxing gear (less gloves) ... I'd put my money on the human. I'd pay to watch that BTW.

Anonymous said...

Well I never did pay much attention in bio classes. I've been talking to an old friend who remembers the video from back in high school, he's saying it might be a baboon or something but at this point I have no idea. All I remember was that it was some sort of large primate species, about 80-100lbs I'd say, with black colouration. They were hunting in a troop, and chasing a smaller type of primate that was about 1/3 their size or smaller and brown in colouration. 3 of them caught one and proceeded to divy it up alive. They tore off the arms and legs and left the thing lying there screaming it's head off constantly while they ate. Then the camera cut away as they were about to rip off the last leg I think.

Both primates were aboreal as well I think...man I wish now I'd payed closer attention to that video, but I wasn't until I heard that hunting scene, they came out like ghosts, all you saw was blurs on the camera, then three of them chowing down on that poor thing as it screamed.

Anonymous said...

I'd take the gorilla and only if they took his teeth and claws off. Guess who Chris?? French guy

Chris O said...
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Anonymous said...

id rather fight the gorilla because i could befriend it and kill it while it is asleep


p.s. the only way to kill an elephant is to climb up its ass and kill it from the inside out!

Cory Weber-Butcher said...

First of all, chimpanzees are at least seven times stronger than the average human. A gorilla has to be upwards of ten times stronger. While gorillas are herbivores they have been known to chew on people a bit.

So basically, whoever votes gorilla is a retard. They don't beat you to death. They slowly pull off your limbs. They also have some scary ass teeth. If you think you can punch it in the face and somehow win, you need to rethink some things. Punch it in the face, and it just might see fit to stomp you into the ground.

A bear on the other hand, is easily killed if you know what you're doing. It involved a lot of the things a real fight does. Most bears are right handed, just like humans. So If you know how to get under a swing of its arm, you're off to a good start. If you can find a large rock that fits nicely in your hand like a baseball, use it. A solid blow to the nose will stop almost any animal. That is why smart people carry fish clubs (used to subdue large fish, like marlin) when they hunt or camp in places where bear attacks might occur. A man once wrote an article that was published in Outdoor Life, where he punched a bear as hard as he could right in the nose, and what do you know, he killed it. Although he couldn't feel his hand four years later.