Sunday, January 28, 2007

Breaking down today's Oiler fan

Bland, inoffensive haircut that he could have done himself, but likely got done by an Aveda-trained stylist at a "salon" in a strip mall - Tragically, most male Oilers fans are still taking their fashion cues from the cast of Friends, though the benefit of such a haircut is that one can pickup up a Quizno's Prime Rib Cheesesteak and a cube of Molson immediately before or after said haircut, and get a girl who was popular in high school to give you her undivided attention for 20 minutes.

Chin-defining full goatee - The goatee is carefully designed to let others know that he is virile enough to sprout facial hair with reckless abandon, but not so foolish as to do anything that will make him stand out from the other Royal Bank employees. In a pinch, it can be passed off as a playoff beard, though it will survive the Mach 5 no matter what round the Oilers are tossed out in.

Indeterminate, neutral-colour zip up - Today's Oiler fan is neither properly the tie nor the t-shirt; he is a shot of espresso with a Jim Beam chaser, a lobster bisque for lunch and a bacon-and-cheese hot dog for dinner. He is loose enough to wear the zipper down while watching the Oilers blow a powerplay from his Colonnade seats, but tight enough to zip that puppy up while trying to pick up a girl whose hair is not actually blonde at Hudson's post-loss. The pockets provide ample room to carry a RAZR and the remote starter for his Sunfire.

Clasped hands - Dear God, please make Kevin Lowe trade for a defenceman RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

14 comments:

daniel said...

A sorely needed public service.


And it's absolutely a sunfire.

Art Vandelay said...

Oiler fan's girlfriend is more likely the one to be on top.

Justin said...

Haha! Very good. You guys have a great blog. Most blogs, let's face it, blow cheddar. It's too obvious that they are written by frustrated fiction writers. Here that aspect is almost entirely undetectable! :)

Lord Bob said...

The Sunfire line cracked me the bejeezus up.

sacamano said...

That's a beauty PM, just a beauty.

I'll third the kudos for the Sunfire reference.

Nathan said...

Thats some nice post...sharp and oh so refreshingly true... And...just cuz it came to mind....some immortal words from Agent Clarice Starling:
"You see a lot don't you doctor. Why don't you turn that high-powered perception at yourself and tell us what you see, or, maybe you're afraid to."

Matt said...

Oh, I don't think PM would deny he's projecting, except for the haircut, and possibly the undivided attention from a girl.

Pleasure Motors said...

You see a lot don't you doctor. Why don't you turn that high-powered perception at yourself and tell us what you see, or, maybe you're afraid to

Stay tuned for my post on the self-superior, vaguely self-loathing, conflicted, theatre-reviewing Oilers fan as soon as I have the time and can get a befitting, non-naked picture of myself.

Epinonymous said...

"In time I want to see Schremp + Lupul together. I think that could be a very good duo."

From the Oilers Message board today...

Eyeris said...

"In time I want to see Schremp + Lupul together. I think that could be a very good duo."

For what? To pick up underage girls at the Ironhorse?

scotty said...

Hey... I drive a Sunfire.

I look nothing like the fucktard in the photo, though.

"dude" in the phot, thank you very much... said...

ouch

I'm just trying to get by.

You must be all hot and put together and shit, with girls spilling out of your jeans.

again, ouch.

James Mirtle said...

Why on earth do people in Edmonton/Kamloops buy the damn Sunfires?

mike w said...

I also drove a Sunfire.