Sunday, January 14, 2007

A Portrait of the Oilers by a Young Man

In partial honour of Yutaka Fukufuji's historic achievement, and in partial honour of my alma paper, of sorts, a haiku for everyone currently listed on the Edmonton Oilers roster (in alphabetical order).

Little defenceman
Please stop missing the damn net
And blindy passing.

Fresh-faced college boy,
A single game, single tear.
See you in Wilkes-Barre.

Lumbering sixth D:
You will be good someday, pal.
Tuesday would be nice.

Buried in the 'A,'
Now you are, like Obi-wan,
Our Ds only hope.

Across the blueline,
Ales goes between his legs;
Between mine: boner.

Tough minutes, tough man.
But your multicolored eyes
Just can't see the goal.

Pronger has forty.
Joffrey Lupul has eighteen
And minus sixteen.

Can't give up rebounds
When you're sitting on the bench;
At least the door works.

Three-years-ago saviour,
We don't need a centre now.
Can you play defence?

Poor man's Reasoner
Can do it all, day to day.
Including press box.

Hometown/Playoff Hero
There was something in the air
When you got 10 mil.

Team comedian
Can you get twelve shots a game?
We could use some goals.

Gold mask, golden boy
Saving pucks, saving our ass
We'll get defence soon.

AHL all-star,
If you can't make it here, now,
Your career is fucked.

Overmatched rookie
You just need time, and muscles,
And maybe a gun.

The grizzled warrior
Getting too old for this shit?
Help is on the way.

The greasy mullet,
Can this be your last hurrah?
What are we, sans you?

Rocking the perv stache
And a four-year extension.
I like one of them.

First-half MVP?
Best draft trade we could have made:
Lombardi sucks it.

One-year Czech: so good.
Sadly, we can't blame your wife
When summertime comes.

Electric Norseman;
He's no Schremp in his own end.
Go Little Devo.

Wild and unheardof,
Now maybe our best D man.
Make a trade, Kevin.

Asshole facial hair
Have to love the shoulders, though.
Just score more, and shave.

Defacto tough guy
He fits the name Big Bad Brad.
Better than nothing.

And for my homies on the IR:

Hot-Off Champion
Missing your grit, and your face
Is this the new curse?

Throw your own in the comments.

Also: voted yet?

UPDATE: Matt at BoA is busy dancing to the Oilogosphere's death rattle, but it's hard to hate the guy when he's being funny, as he is with a few choice front office staff haikus at the bottom of the post. Also, Mirtle has contributed a paen to his Hot-Off loss, and TB adds his own touch of flare to the K-Lowe defenceman dawdle in the comments. Read them, and add your own, people: 5-7-5, it's all you need.


James Mirtle said...

I thought it was okay
until I saw the sailboat
an endless squee

Jordi said...


I'm going to give a - damn it.

Screw this.

courto said...


Vodka Boy said...

excellent post!

for those of you who can't sort out which D is which (I'm looking at you, MacT), here's the list...

Alana said...

Awesome, PM. I laughed lots.

teebeeplayer said...

Awesome, buddy.

If it's not being too presumptuous, I've added two...


Played without a lid
Now a Sam Abouhassan
Show-room mannequin


You sit on your hands
While the fans scream for more D
Maybe you should dress

Black Dog said...

You sir.

On fire.

young d said...

Who made you so clever all of a sudden?
Nice work.
I guess TB didn't mind you stepping on his Haiku toes.

Your bits were Hai-Cool.
I especially liked the Team Comedian bit.
Many laughs were had out loud..

case said...

Edmonton Oilers
Stop making me swear so much
"fucking cross-ice... fuck!"

the human torch said...

lol @ Case. awesome.

fucking oilers are turning me into an alcoholic.