Team: Edmonton Oilers
Uniform number: 22
Position: Left Defence, because I can't keep the puck in the zone unless my blade naturally faces the boards
Nickname: Poppin' Fresh, Septapussy, Is He Gay?
Dream linemates: Janne Niinimaa, because his birthday is on the same day as mine, making our collective nickname the "Saint Rita of Cascia defensive pairing."
Rounding out the PP: MA Pouliot, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Morrissey
Job: Making high-risk passes; playing dirty in front of the net; having a terrible plus-minus but a respectable number of points, ensuring that championship-calibre teams always trade for me near the deadline and bad teams always sign me in the offseason because they have deluded themselves into thinking my perceived "offence" and "puck-moving ability" outweighs the fact my sole defensive aptitudes are waving my stick around and cross-checking people
Signature move: Signing with St. Louis as a second-pairing d-man for $500,000 more than I'm worth in August then getting traded to Detroit to take over 3rd-pairing, 2nd PP duties from a rookie in March
Strengths: high-risk passing, cross-checking, statistical smoke-screening during contract negotiations
Weaknesses: playing defence, contributing
Injury problems: chronic knee problems that make everyone think this might be the year I finally get over my knee problems and break out
Equipment: I would paint my helmet, like goalies do. I can't figure out why no other NHL player has ever thought of this.
Nemesis: The fans, Brent Sopel, Tom Poti, Ruslan Salei, Paul Mara
Scandal Involvement: cross-checking Darcy Tucker in half while he's buying Hungry Man dinners at his neighbourhood Sobey's
Who I’d face in the Stanley Cup Finals: My very presence on a team would virtually guarantee that they would get upset no later than the second round of the playoffs
What I’d do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Raise next season asking's price by another $500,000, demand people kiss my ring
Would the media love me or hate me?: My name would regularly appear in columns with the words "lapses" "needs to start contributing" and "rumoured to be on his way out of town." Television media would hate that I demand to do all my interviews in the nude.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Posted by DMFB at 4:52 PM