Friday, February 2, 2007

Morley Scott: "If he gives away the puck one more time, I'll kill him myself."

Team: Edmonton Oilers
Uniform number: 22
Position: Left Defence, because I can't keep the puck in the zone unless my blade naturally faces the boards
Nickname: Poppin' Fresh, Septapussy, Is He Gay?
Dream linemates: Janne Niinimaa, because his birthday is on the same day as mine, making our collective nick
name the "Saint Rita of Cascia defensive pairing."
Rounding out the PP: MA Pouliot, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Morrissey
Job: Making high-risk passes; playing dirty in front of the net; having a terrible plus-minus but a respectable number of points, ensuring that championship-calibre teams always trade for me near the deadline and bad teams always sign me in the offseason because they have deluded themselves into thinking my perceived "offence" and "puck-moving ability" outweighs the fact my sole defensive aptitudes are waving my stick around and cross-checking people
Signature move: Signing with St. Louis as a second-pairing d-man for $500,000 more than I'm worth in August then getting traded to Detroit to take over 3rd-pairing, 2nd PP duties from a rookie in March
Strengths: high-risk passing, cross-checking, statistical smoke-screening during contract negotiations
Weaknesses: playing defence, contributing
Injury problems: chronic knee problems that make everyone think this might be the year I finally get over my knee problems and break out
Equipment: I would paint my helmet, like goalies do. I can't figure out why no other NHL player has ever thought of this.
Nemesis: The fans, Brent Sopel, Tom Poti, Ruslan Salei, Paul Mara
Scandal Involvement: cross-checking Darcy Tucker in half while he's buying Hungry Man dinners at his neighbourhood Sobey's
Who I’d face in the Stanley Cup Finals: My very presence on a team would virtually guarantee that they would get upset no later than the second round of the playoffs
What I’d do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Raise next season asking's price by another $500,000, demand people kiss my ring
Would the media love me or hate me?: My name would regularly appear in columns with the words "lapses" "needs to start contributing" and "rumoured to be on his way out of town." Television media would hate that I demand to do all my interviews in the nude.


Anonymous said...

No news today has made me want to punch anything more than the news that Dan Clearly has scored 20 goals this season, and it's February 2nd. Hulk mothafuckin Smash.

And also, it's nice to see once in a while a slow news day on CinO that doesn't result in gay erotica, or nude pictures of PM.

Let me know when it's back (I get lonely).