Friday, February 2, 2007

Rod Phillips: "It's hard to tell from up here, but I think he's somehow given Mick McGeough a stroke!"

Seeing as it’s my day off and I’m so bored waiting for my shows to download that I’m flipping through this month’s LCBO wine catalogue and reading the recipes, I think I can spare a little time for some chain letter action, too.

Team: Edmonton Oilers
Uniform number: 14, in the tradition of other such timeless Oilers greats as Bert Robertsson, Pat Falloon, Mats Lindgren and Dominic Pittis
Position: Left wing
Nickname: Chris, Chris-o, Chrissy, Chrisasaurus Rex, Chrisanthemum, The Chrisalis, Christal Meth, Christine (after the car that killed people), C-Dawg, Leviathan Balls
Dream linemates: Jesse Niinimaki, Michael Henrich (To make me look better by assocation)
Rounding out the PP: Brad Norton, Chris Hajt (See above)
Job: Standing in front of the net, helping new Oilers move
Signature move: Shrieking in Mick McGeough’s face until he has a stroke, then busting out in a feverish Running Man until the police drag me off the ice
Strengths: Good passer, accurate wrist shot, able to spout hours of original positive-sounding bench chatter without tiring, source of a variety of useful LCBO-suggested recipes and wine pairings
Weaknesses: Carrying the puck, skating backwards, opium
Injury problems: Recurring sprain to Running Man muscles
Equipment: None. Not even skates.
Nemesis: Dion Phaneuf, Darcy Tucker, any teammate who didn’t address me as “My Liege”
Who I’d face in the Stanley Cup Finals: The 1974 Kansas City Scouts
What I’d do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Replace all the engraved names with swears, crude drawings of penises wearing cowboy hats; giggle to self
Would the media love me or hate me?: They’d love me for my eloquence and well-considered post-game analysis, but hate the way I finished every sound bite with “And that’s the tooth!” and then used a pair of pliers to pull out one of my own teeth and throw it at the camera.

That’s that. I call tagsies on TB Player of In The Box and Sean from Oiler Fans 4 Life.

7 comments:

Sean said...

I accept your challenge...it will be my first post on my own site in months.

mike w said...

Haha. Very funny.

It's a toss up between Leviathan Balls and "that's the tooth!" for thing that made me giggle the most.

Black Dog said...

That is some funny shit.

Been to the Only yet, Chris!? Went there last night and got smashed - highly recommend it.

Except for the going to work this morning part.

Pleasure Motors said...

That's the tooth is clearly the king of this post.

Anonymous said...

Wait, LCBO wine catalogue has recipes?

teebeeplayer said...

Hey boys,

Finally saw your tag, Chris! Check it at http://www.vueweekly-inthebox.blogspot.com/

Maybe you can tell what kind of wine goes with it

TB

Margee said...

The "And that's the tooth!" made me laugh so hard, soup came out of my nose. Well done, my liege.