Monday, March 5, 2007

I've got 94 problems but a Smyth ain't one

I'll admit, that headline is all I've actually got, I just wanted to write that down before I forgot it. And keep ahead of mudcrutch and Dennis in the round-the-clock Smyth-ogy.

Oh, and Sacamano mentioned a Smyth haiku, so here (there's another one from an anonymous commenter in the last post):

No teeth, fewer brains:
Heart and soul, we fell in love;
Mullet waves goodbye.

If it isn't already abundantly clear, writing on Smyth's tombstone is basically going to become the defining element of my Oilers fandom until Ales Hemsky loses his bicuspids on the way to an eleven-point night.


Anonymous said...

Face high pass, fucking Pronger
Teeth all over ice
Pass to Horcoff, Oilers win!

Limericks would be good too. Anyone know what rhymes with Banff?

Corn Flake said...

There once was a winger from Banff,
No teeth made him look like a trampf
Klow didnt dial
So he left for the Isle
and now he wont be at our campf.

Best I could come up with

sacamano said...

Beauty, PM!

Banff is a toughy. It will require some ales.

Anonymous said...

Ooh ooh - I wrote two haikus (aren't haikus 5-7-5?) on the day of the trade...

Smyth press conference.

So many tears. He and I.

Why Kevin Lowe? Why?


Athlete crying says

This is still where my heart is

And then boards a plane


Julian said...

fuck, i'm stealing that headline for my msn name. i'll give due credit, don't worry.

hey, is Smytty two syllables?

Our Smytty has left us
My favourite oil sweater
Stays hidden away

buddy said...

Drunk summer spending
But now hard ball with Smytty
Islander mullet

Pleasure Motors said...

Haikus are 5-7-5 (common mistake, tyler), and to my mind Smytty seems like two syllables, but let's not quibble too much.

In front of the net
A puck sails, striking the jaw.
All teeth go, someday.

There once was a man named Smytty
Who left town in a way thought quite shitty.
We said with a sigh
As he waved his goodbye,
"Our future doesn't look half as pretty."

Pleasure Motors said...

Also, this one from the previous haiku post seems fitting:

The greasy mullet,
Can this be your last hurrah?
What are we, sans you?

sacamano said...

Smytty leaves his home,
Leaves his teeth on ice back home
Puts Isles net back home

Aw jeeze. I think I just made myself cry.

LittleFury said...

"Not elite player"?
So why, without mullet,
do we miss playoffs?

Katie O'D said...

There once was a winger named Smyth
His heart was all that he played with
But we sent him away
And now sadly one day
To our kids he will just be a myth

Pleasure Motors said...

I think that's my favourite limerick so far. Apparently we're going to verse away our pain for the remainder of the season.

Anonymous said...

Smyth wears Isles Jersey;
plus 4, points over 3 games.
Only oil tears are left.

Anonymous said...

Smyth's banner year ahead
New York Isles win cup in seven.
I need a whisky.

Anonymous said...

Laraque would sit eighth.
In our overall points now.
Right behind Lupul.


Anonymous said...

Aww these are great, like a soothing balm.

Belov'd mullet man
Inspiring us to poems
with your toothless grin.


How you loved the Oil
Anderson breaking your leg
could not even deter.

sacamano said...

Standard Oilers fans
Bleed oil out orifices
Read 'n' write good too

Who's up for writting a sonnet?

Hey PM, we should collect these and put them in a volume. I bet Laurie Greenwood would sell out in a week. Given the subject matter I bet we could probably even get some grants from the Canadian Council for Arts to pay for the damn thing.

Anonymous said...

Smytty dreamt of Gretz,
But joined N H L corp
New office Long Isle

Anonymous said...

Blood and teeth, glisten
Winter's winds fade in Spring run
Smyth leaves takes heart too

Anonymous said...

Blue with the Copper
but for a few more coppers
Now its just blue

Julian said...

These are awesome, why aren't you anonymous people signing your names? Take credit...

K. Lowe was jealous
Of Ryan's love for the oil
Conspiracy, hmm?

Smyth, king outscorer
Lowe needs miracle from ass
Do not count on it

Earl Sleek said...

This isn't the strongest, but I seem to have trouble writing poetry without spelling out the poem's subject:

Real classy, K. Lowe,
You held out ‘til 2:40,
Auctions are for wimps!

No worries, K. Lowe,
Sell the notion that you’re poor—
Market rate my ass!

Young Mr. Nilsson,
This team needs some heart and soul,
(Hurting Joffrey helps).

Julian said...

A haiku acrostix? Damn Californians tryin' to show us up...

(that was great Earl)

eau de chacin said...

All this love for Smyth, but what about our little friend MAB?

That dwarf sure can shoot
So let's trade him to New York
For a bag of pucks

I want to be clear
It's a hockey decision
The guy's a midget

Who needs real D
When Greene can play the whole game?
I miss Pronger's orbs.

sacamano said...

Smytty Sonnet #94

So crude we drilled his heart, and crude distilled
Flowed from his eyes, tempered and dilute.
His labour deemed unskilled, instead rebuild
With cheaper lubricant that won't pollute.

The Oilers' Brass elected to go green
With virgin teen unsoiled by stinking oil
To cap the well that burst them on the scene
Return the heartland to its prairie soil

So riches of the north go down in flame
While southern flames rise up like northern lights
Smyth's combustion heart enkindles shame,
Though primed and set, no broken hearts ignite.

But! Baptismal fonts flow with oil refined,
And so, with oil, is Smyth's rebirth entwined.

DTK said...

There once was a boy from Alberta
if you let him go to the net he would hurt ya

But Lowe fell down
there's no more hair on his crown

Combovers and cal nichols leading to loss of inertia

Here's my poem on MAB:

There once was a guy named Bergeron. He was never really that good on the PP until this year but once he found his man-advantaged legs the Oilers decided to take him off the unit and put Toby Petersen there. Bergeron is affordable and is a useful part on the third pairing and the Oilers could've known that if they'd put Hejda in the lineup early and in turn healthy scratched smid and greene. then bergy and hejda could've formed a very good bottom tandem. of course that would leave a hole in the top four. but Lowe fucked that with his pronger return and refusing to sign someone that could play in the top four. so bergy takes the anchor because going forward the Oilers realize that smid will be a bottom pairing guy for at least next season and there's only so many of those you can have.

the end

Anonymous said...

Bergeron, elfin
Sniper, whose aim is n'er false
(Smyth rebound in case)

Anonymous said...

Smyth to Long Island
Leaves blood and teeth on the ice
But blood may be mine.

Anonymous said...

Gen'ral Manager,
Crunch time, best deal possible.
Please, no more best deals

Anonymous said...

Oil spill on the ice!
Hurry, it will surely stain.
Relax, its just blood.

Anonymous said...

The new C B A!
Players will no longer leave.
(Just ones we exile)

Anonymous said...

If Smyth hoists Stanley..
North Saskatchewan not Styx
Squinting couldn't tell.

mike from ottawa said...

To Nassau our leader is sold,
For prospects and picks, we are told.
Perhaps they’ll pan out,
But I harbour some doubt.
Like a drunk homeless guy, we got rolled.

Anonymous said...

Hey PM, we should collect these and put them in a volume. I bet Laurie Greenwood would sell out in a week. Given the subject matter I bet we could probably even get some grants from the Canadian Council for Arts to pay for the damn thing.

Oooh - I like this idea... I saw a little book of hockey haikus when I was Christmas shopping but THIS I would totally buy! Hey could we use the proceeds to bump the Oilers offer next summer?

Baroque said...

These haiku are awesome! I guess pain really does inspire artistry. :(

I'd like to see an entire book of hockey blogger posts. There could be a chapter of original photoshops, one on poetry, one on commentary, one on game analysis, and one of essays (like e's piece on Smyth on Theory of Ice). The comment strings could be included, too.

Some of the stuff bloggers write is a lot better written and more insightful that some of the MSM articles, and certainly is worth a larger audience.

mike w said...

Who said Edmonton was full of uncultured, singled-toothed, oil-swilling idiots that wear rolled up Edmonton Suns for shoes?

I feel inspired enough to collect these poems and get them bound into a nice, ribbon-tied folio and sell them outside Rexall all next season. (I'll probably get spat on by EIG felchers, too)

All sorts of styles: a little Philip Larkin here, a little Gerard Manley Hopkins there, lots of haikus, some things a half step above a dirty limerick, and of course, Sacamano channeling Yeats in what is my favourite Smyth Ode so far.

sacamano said...

Yeats?! I'm not sure whether to be insulted or flattered.

That drunken irishman never wrote a sonnet in his life -- well, not a traditional one at any rate.

mike w said...

I was thinking of that one for some reason, which is sonnet enough for me.

Maybe it's the silliness of it: I have a tough time with the mental image of a a swan humping some chick, I guess.

sacamano said...

You mean you don't find the image of a swan raping a young girl erotic?

You puritan.