Thursday, March 29, 2007

Movin' on down

Toot toot! All aboard! The shitty train now departing to Edmonton, where the sun never shines and our hopes and dreams barely manage to escape our heads before they freeze to death and drop out of the sky with a shriek, shattering into a million pieces on the grit-lined streets of our lifeless, SUV-choked downtown core! TOOOOOOOOOT!!!

Ahhh. Good times. Didn't have time to post this a couple days back, but the Oilers have finally managed to ... well, do nothing, and let Columbus (YES, THE BLUE JACKETS) pass us in the standings. As a result, that group of shiftless hobos who seem to be wearing official Edmonton Oiler game jerseys but couldn't possibly the be the real Oilers because if they were I would seriously consider taking a sprinting leap teeth-first into the nearest sharp-looking curb, have taken sole possession of 25th place in the NHL.

And what a magical ride it's been! Over the past month the Oilers have been lazily barfing out points like an unattended garden hose, going an incredible, an astounding, a fabric-of-reality-tearing 1-11-1 in March. Looking at our results over the last 30 days, I can't help but feel that this is a reality Edmonton fans were never meant to see, that to gaze upon Yahoo!'s schedule page is to risk being driven mad by the horrible Lovecraftian truth of our predicament. Three points out of a possible 26 in our last 13 games. No hope in sight. The mind recoils.

Anyhow, with less than a half-dozen games left in the season, it's looking like a fifth- or sixth-worst finish may be as good as it's going to get. We'll see how things look after tonight, as Edmonton plays the mighty St. Louis Blues and L.A. take on Vancouver, but Washington and Phoenix have both been wearing their extra-fancy sucking hats for a lot longer than we have and don't look ready to take them off anytime soon. If nothing else, it has been interesting seeing how difficult it actually is to move down the standings. It's a surprisingly passive affair, requiring little more than for the team in question to go completely limp and just feel wave after wave of failure wash over you, slowly burnishing you into a precious, perfectly polished little ball of glorious ineptitude.

Oh, but next year. Next year, you guys! You just wait. KAPOW!

18 comments:

MetroGnome said...

Never before has a wail of despair sounded so eloquent.

Typically they're more like "NOOOooooOOOOOoooOOO!"

Black Dog said...

I'm with you - I looked at the standings a few weeks ago and figured we'd be # 2 for sure.

The Oilers have picked up three (3!) points in a month and have barely even budged in the standings.

Of course with the exception of Philly the teams behind the Oilers have years of practice at being terrible.

Vic Ferrari said...

Good post, but this race to the bottom isn't as exciting as I expected it to be. Hopefully L.A wins a couple of games to keep it interesting.

Paul said...

Even worse; the Oilers are 3–16–3 in their last 22. That's 9 points in over a quarter of the season, and one of the worst stretches in NHL history. Don't let back=to-back wins over Columbus and Detroit negate the fact that this team was floundering before the trade dealine (though at least they could score back then).

Alana said...

No kidding -- I thought at least LA would have stopped sucking long enough to pass us by now.

LittleFury said...

Self-knowledge is a beautiful thing, innit? Plus it really blunts the edge of any barbs tossed our way by Flamers/Canuckleheads when we concur with their assessment.

Baroque said...

Jack Johnson debuts for the Kings tonight. Maybe that will help.

Andy Grabia said...

Lovecraftian truth

I thought is was Lowecraftian truth.

Have you guys noticed that as the Oilers fortunes go down, your own writing volume has gone up? This site breeds off of awfulness, as if it was a Lowean Hydra. Personally, I love it. The more hed(s) the better.

Chris! said...

It's true, Andy. I've always known we were way better at complaining than nodding our heads in agreement. Course, that goes for half the Oilogosphere, too...

Anonymous said...

Small victories.

Hemsky has 3 goals in his last 3GP.

Gilbert has 4 assists in his last 4GP.

Was it Salo for Gilbert straight across?

-ChrissyT

Chris! said...

Chrissy, we also got a sixth-round pick in 2004.

Which, as everybody knows, we used to draft Kamloops Blazers defenceman Max Gordichuk.

Black Dog said...

We have Matt Gordichuk!

Dennis said...

I think what this dive will teach all of the HF Fanboy crew is that you're playing with the big dogs when you try and tank. Teams like the Caps and Hawks just don't win any games so you could lose every damn game of your last 20, which the Oilers are pretty much trying to do, and there's still only so much ground you're gonna make up.

Not that I can actually affect change mind you;) but I've been cheering against the Oilers and hoping they'll get a good pick but by now I think they're destined to finish 7th or 8th no matter what they do, ie either running the table and continuing to fall face first into the table.

Anonymous said...

not to rub too much salt in the wounds...but if we finish 12th in the west where we are now...

the bloody hockey news will have been spot on.

Anonymous said...

I never thought I would find such awesome prose on a hockey blog! What that says about the Oilers...I don't know. Pain breeds art? Anyway, keep it up guys.

-Nathan

Chris said...

If the Hockey News had said "The oilers will have at various points six to twelve players on the injured list resulting in them icing most of an AHL team" I'd give them credit for being spot on. As opposed to their bias against the Oilers which was essentially "you suck".

Anonymous said...

Did you guys see Jim Kelley's bit on sportsnet.ca? (http://www.sportsnet.ca/hockey/columnist.jsp?content=20070401_111630_4684)

The natural and city environment in Edmonton can't possibly be that bad. It's not like players are being asked to move to Gary, Indiana or Baltimore for goodness sake.

Gord said...

Once the injuries started piling up, I knew we were in trouble - so if we are going to miss the playoffs, I want a high draft pick.

There is always a silver lining in every cloud......