Monday, April 7, 2008

McGuire's monstrously stupid statements


Not much to care about in another playoffless spring, but there is Pierre McGuire (seen above in his brief cameo in Schindler's List) embodying every bad sports commentator stereotype in his picking of the Monsters of the Year at TSN.

The highlights:

On Steven Valiquette: "A guy that can make big-time stops at the right time..."

The right time, presumably, is whenever the goddamn puck is shot at him.

On Mike Richards: "I really believe he is the Bob Clarke of the Philadelphia Flyers."

I know he probably meant of the current edition of the Philadelphia Flyers, but c'mon: Clarke literally did not ever play for another NHL team. It's like saying Mercedes is the Rolls Royce of automobiles.

On Dion Phaneuf: "He earned his way back on the team, and that's what made him a Monster this year."

So, Dion Phaneuf was a Monster this year because he was a Monster this year.

Pierre McGuire: Zen monster.

On Ed Jovanoski: "I love the physical intangibles he brought to the game."

The definition of intangible, courtesy dictionary.com: "not tangible; incapable of being perceived by the sense of touch, as incorporeal or immaterial things; impalpable."

Pierre McGuire has officially become too ridiculous to satirize.

On Jarome Iginla: "He grabbed the league by the throat this year and really started to dominate."

Presumably he pussy-footed his way to that Hart trophy. And his two previous 90-point seasons. And his perennial spot in the All-Star Game.

One from Gino Reda, on Alex Ovechkin: "He's so hard to stop because he's so physically strong, which makes him impossible to stop."

Really, Gino, that "because he's so physically strong" is kind of redundant. Haven't you learned anything from Pierre McGuire? Alex Ovechkin is so hard to stop because he's impossible to stop: let's see someone try to argue with that logic.

28 comments:

Jeff J said...

Gino Reda is the Leisure Suit Larry of sport broadcasting.

Lord Bob said...

MONSTER post, Pleasure. MONSTER. STRONG, POWERFUL LEGS.

DMFB said...

I was thinking of including a count of how many times he used the phrases "physical," "leadership" and "heart," but at a certain point in the broadcast they just become white noise.

Dare said...

And you have just presented reasons #4354-4360 why I couldn't bring myself to watch...

gary b said...

yikes. at this rate, the monkey will be hosting SportsCentre.



(and by monkey, i mean Maggie, not Tie Domi, TSN's OTHER shit-flinging primate).

Lowetide said...

The Schindler's List reference was terrific and it got funnier from there.

Thanks for the laugh.

At some point in there a TV producer kept prodding him onto more outrageous verbal and the world rewarded him.

And so the world must suffer. And in Canada that usually means until death.

The only reason Don Messer isn't on tv today is he's dead.

Jonathan said...

The really sad thing is that this guy has done a lot of coaching- he could tell us things, useful, interesting things. Instead we get this.

Oh, and thank you. I'm giggling at my computer and it's your fault.

Black Dog said...

Crosby.

Chris! said...

CROSBY.

Vic Ferrari said...

Yeah, McGuire has become a caricature, it's a shame.

Did you catch Pierre during his stints working the playoffs for NBC? All the manic screaming, overstatement and blathering on about intangibles was gone. He was a saner version of himself, and added real value to the broadcast I thought.

I think that TSN wants him to do exactly what he's doing, with the possible exeptions of yelling even louder and dressing funnier.

Doogie said...

And yet it could still be worse. They could be like Sportsnet, and not only have retarded analysts spouting random horseshit, but also spend more money than God on random studio upgrades instead of, you know, hiring better analysts. At least Maguire can make sense when he wants to.

Rod said...

Jousting from Gord Miller on a game last week was classic (might have been Bruins/Sens). Maybe it's on youtube somewhere...

Anyway, flipped onto TSN, and one team had a shutout going entering the third period (Bruins did against the Sens, so that game fits). Gord must have mentioned "shut-out" because Pierre was flying off the handle. Gord tried to indicate that nothing he did would impact the game...that the game is decided on the ice, but Pierre remained adamant: "Remember Rangers/Flyers?"
Gord: I didn't...
Pierre: You did that!
Gord: Pierre, superstitions are for the feeble-minded. Try to remember that.

Practically fell over laughing. If I'd have changed channels five seconds later, I'd have missed it entirely. Monster play with that remote, I tells ya. Huge. Strong play there. Crosby.

She said...

Rod: that was on Sunday afternoon, the Philly- Pittsburgh game. Miller had an exceptional broadcast-too bad the game was horrid.

Steve said...

Curtis Glencross is totally the Raffi Torres of the Edmonton Oilers.

namflashback said...

jonathan,

maybe his coaching was like his colour commentary and THAT is why he is no longer coaching.

Slipper said...

Has anyone else noticed how completely useless Crosby has become since he lost his magical manulet, named Colby Armstrong?

Absolutely ruined.

Jonathan said...

//jonathan,

maybe his coaching was like his colour commentary and THAT is why he is no longer coaching.//

I use that explanation for Steve Ludzik.

Patty (in Dallas) said...

Vic, are you saying that his work on NBC broadcasts is better than what you see on TSN?

You poor things.

Slipper said...

>On Ed Jovanoski: "I love the physical intangibles he brought to the game."<

By this, of course, he means Jovanoski's penis.

Oh, how he wishes it was tangible.

PunjabiOil said...

I usually don't rag on too much about media personalities, but Pierre McGuire is a world class idiot.

Shawn said...

Not that I'm their biggest fans, but as a broadcaster I have to say when you're just having a discussion live on the air anyone can look stupid sometimes if you really break down every word they say. Reda for example is just trying to express how Ovechkin's strength makes him really hard to contain. Could he have been a little more clear and less rendundant? Sure... but you don't really get to edit.

Shawn said...

did I say rendundant? Yes I did don't question it

tim said...

I'd like to leave the lurker comment of the day and say this is the last day for entries to NASAP's charity hockey pool. Info available at www.pucks4paws.com

You may resume your scheduled discussion.

DMFB said...

but as a broadcaster I have to say when you're just having a discussion live on the air anyone can look stupid sometimes if you really break down every word they say.

This is the number one sports channel in the country. These people are literally supposed to be the best Canada has to offer. If they can't banter without sounding like Orwellian half-wits then they need to write this shit down. It's not like they have to react to a live game or something.

In short: I will not apologize for being a dick about this stuff.

Baroque said...

That's why he has a new nickname in a demented corner of the hockey blogosphere: Douche Canoe.

http://www.kuklaskorner.com/index.php/A2Y/comments/mcguire_idiocy_spawns_new_glossary_entry/

Jared said...

check this out if you hate Pierre. www.nomorepierremcguir.googlepages.com/home

Jared said...

**check this out if you hate Pierre. www.nomorepierremcguire.googlepages.com/home

Poke said...

has this been mentioned yet? the "pierre mcguire is effin creepy" clip?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_i5zXLZHGI4