Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Gentlemen, I believe it is game time


Thanks to a part-time gig with a company that shall remain nameless, I've managed to luck my way into the press box for tonight's Oilers-Panthers tilt. In an effort to kill two birds with one stone, and avoid awkward small talk with Terry Jones, I think I'm going to give a live blog a shot. So, on the off chance you can't figure out the online feed—and aren't one of the monocle-wearing dandies who can afford Center Ice—feel free to tune in for sardonic commentary on Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers and an inside account of just how tasty free ice cream sandwiches are (early guess: incredibly). And, of course, leave your own comments.

See you all at 7pm.

7 pm: Confirmed: free ice cream sandwiches are indeed delicious.

7:02 pm: I assume this is only the training camp version, but the pre-game video is pretty ridiculous. Music is Saul Williams' "List of Demands" (WTF?), and opens with shots of what I assume is the Mandelbaum compound. Then it has multiple shots of Oilers with, ahem, "demands," like "heart," written on the palm of their hands. As per the song lyrics. Ethan Moreau=that wuss from Captain Planet.

7:11 pm: JDD looks okay so far. Pisani might not be such a good choice for center, though.

7:12 pm: Scratch that shit about JDD looking good.

7:14 pm: Greg Paukovich = dirty MF.

7:16 pm: Theo Peckham = bad MF.

7:19 pm: This arena is like 2/3 full, and the Oilers have exactly one NHL player on the ice right now.

7:24 pm: Rob Schremp is not what you would call a scrappy player. Also, Pisani comes from the "tie them up and pray" school of face-off winning.

7:25 pm: JDD comes from the "poke it right back into the slot" school of rebound control.

7:31 pm: This is still purely hypothetical of course, but has any team ever had 2 right-catching goalies? Because if we're the first, we might be pooched.

7:33 pm: Chorney and Peckham looked like they were tied together with a bungee cord on that last rush. Also, Mark Schultz has not spent the summer getting less obnoxious.

7:39 pm: For a guy with a good head-man, Lubo sure did make two of the dumbest passes I've seen in a while.

7:41 pm: Edmonton fans did not spend the summer learning to not yell "SHOOOOOT!" on the powerplay.

7:42 pm: WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

7:49 pm: Confirmed: free pop and popcorn are also delicious. Also, what a terrible period. I know it's preseason and all, but Florida is horrible, right? Like, especially when they have half a real team? And I don't think our half a real team should count: as stated in a previous comments section, Cole-Horcoff-Hemsky and Moreau-Pisani-Penner could well be the top six forwards in terms of EV ice: we should be making Mike Duco wish he had gone to Marvel College, like his mother always wanted.

7:57 pm: If I spit on someone, do you think I could get away with blaming Jim Matheson?

7:59 pm: Further to my comment at 7:31 pm: has there ever been a game where both goalies had hyphen names? This could be a historic night. And not just because Jim Matheson gets tossed out of Rexall for pouring free Canada Dry on section 202.

8:04 pm: Lefebvre has moxie. Though, to be fair, he was also the dude who gave that suicide pass that got Reddox drilled, so maybe it was more like covering his ass. By getting four minutes in penalties. Moxie.

8:09 pm: Florida does suck. Hard.

8:12 pm: Hold on a tick. Apparently the Panthers only suck when they have the man advantage.

8:14 pm: The video on the scoreboard just called Gilbert Brule a "proven performer"; technically true, though a diplomatic choice of wording.

8:17 pm: I hope what MacT says about Souray being good at breaking up the cycle is true, because none of other defencemen seem capable of doing sweet FA about it.

8:19 pm: I want to have sex with one of Ales Hemsky's passes. He just about put it through the legs of both a Panther and Shawn Horcoff to Visnovsky.

8:23 pm: Chorney and Schremp both look really good on the powerplay. They played some pretty good cross-ice catch there, and that pass to Penner by Schremp was just delicious, to sound like an effete '50s British guy. Shame neither would see any time there in a real game.

8:27 pm: Just in case anyone had some doubts, Cole-Horcoff-Hemsky are completely awesome. Erik Cole is like a slicker Ryan Smyth (though he doesn't have Smytty's crease presence; then again, who does?).

8:29 pm: Note to the people getting free Old Dutch chips right now: free Oreo ice cream sandwiches. ENJOY YOUR STALE POTATOES, PEASANTS!!!

Also, they just announced the attendance as 16,048. It's not actually quite that full, but still: there's a fine line between devotion and insanity, people.

8:31 pm: There are a surprising number of bisexual-themed songs for a sport as rabidly, old-fashionedly masculine as hockey.

8:34 pm: If Lefebvre shows any more moxie, I am going to order some spinach dip from him.

8:39 pm: Schremp doing the between-periods interview. Seems as though he's been pretty thoroughly Nuked: not a word that wasn't boring and lifeless. Ah, pro sports, you thought-killing, vaguely fascist institution.

8:46 pm: A decidedly better period, obviously. Put me down as a big fan of the Cole-Horcoff-Hemsky line, and very suspicious of the Moreau-Pisani-Penner line. Penner looks like he has his ass in gear, but there's just too many little, out-of-regular position things that seem to be dooming them a bit. I say move Penner and Pisani back to their regular wings and see what Brodziak does between them.

Unrelated to anything you hapless simpletons will ever experience, the Oilers PR department has given me enough paper to insulate a garage. I cry for the trees that died to tell me that Taylor Chorney has a giveaway and three takeaways.

8:58 pm: The odd bizarre pass aside, Lubo is a really solid positional defenceman. Shame he's also the size of a garden gnome.

9:00 pm: Jesus, those composites break when you look at them funny. I think they're held together by the dreams of Louisville investors. Also, it's about time Paukovich did something. He's been out-moxied all night.

9:02 pm: Whoever the hell is the band that decided to cover "Message in a Bottle" should immediately be put to death by getting strangled with guitar strings. Douchebags.

9:05 pm: Theo Peckham might try to fight his mother for not using enough fabric softener on his pillow cases. Also, to hell with what we're paying Souray: Lubo should definitely be on the right point on the PP; now he just needs to hit the net.

9:09 pm: Showing opposing players on the kiss cam = the funniest thing since Duck Soup. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go dance to a Hot Hot Heat song I clearly don't actually understand.

9:12 pm: Jesus this is a dirty game for the pre-season.

9:14 pm: JDD's a bit of a technical disaster, but he seems to be getting the job done. And that was just a stupid save.

9:17 pm: Made-up fact: Terry Jones does the wave with the crowd; Joanne Ireland only glares at him disgustedly.

9:21 pm: They are going to have to scrub the goddamn moxie off the ice with a brillo pad. People are going to be wearing Theo Peckham jerseys on the street by the end of training camp.

9:24 pm: How could the CBC not use "The Hockey Song" by Stompin' Tom for the HNIC theme? C'mon...

9:26 pm: This is echoing a comment, but Dustin Penner really does look good out there. Shit, if he starts killing penalties, I might think about taking back everything I said.

9:31 pm: Erik Cole, I want a poster of you in my bedroom 12 years ago.

9:34 pm: Well, Visnovsky sure should have raised that puck a little better.

9:37 pm: "Raise a Little Hell": the poor man's "Taking Care of Business"?

9:39 pm: Souray, if you throw out your shoulder fighting in pre-season, I am going to find your house and pee on it.

9:45 pm: Desperately hoping to make it to the shootout, where we have our only chance of winning: it feels like old times.

9:46 pm: I hope this is the last time in a long, long while we ever see Peckham and Chorney killing a penalty together.

9:52 pm: Schremp should have done the lacrosse thing.

9:54 pm: Hero time? Ah...he's rusty.

9:59 pm: Jesus this place empties fast.

10:02 pm: Final thoughts: Not a bad game: despite a terrible first, we were probably the better team from the beginning of the second until Sheldon Souray lost his shit. 1st line = awesome, 3rd line = suspect, Lefebvre has guts but won't make the team, Peckham might make the team, and will immediately gain a sizeable fan club whenever he sticks, Schremp's downfall is traffic, though he'll probably end up eating up PP minutes in Atlanta or something like that, this generation's Craig Janney, and I don't think any of the other kids that played today has a realistic shot at making the team. The oreo sandwiches are better than the popcorn, though I would have traded either for beer.

It's nice to see hockey again.

Post-final thoughts update: I saw quite simply the finest jersey (alright, actually it was a t-shirt, but it had numbers on the back) I've ever seen on my way to the LRT. A small-ish, dark-haired woman, wearing the number 06. The name above it? "So close." Magnifique, madame.

54 comments:

Chris! said...

Is this game watchable anywhere online? I'm home and jonesing for some Oilers.

mike w said...

Sadly, NOT AT ALL.

mike w said...

Also: awesome, DMFB.

Tonight's lineups are in the post below.

mike w said...

WAIT! IT IS ONLINE! On the Oilers site. They have to stop waiting until the last second to let us know...

mike w said...

I think the goofy song was on a Nike commercial first. Naturally.

mike w said...

The Markkanen tribute was a nice thought.

mike w said...

PS: I love having 7 comments in a row. It makes me look like a maniac.

DMFB said...

You are a maniac.

Hey, also, some a very nice man told me he reads our blog.

I asked him for some change.

mcmatterson said...

Only available in the Prairie region. Why, Lord?

mike w said...

Really? I can get it in Ontario.

DMFB said...

It's the Prairies in your heart, though.

mcmatterson said...

Apparently, Thunder Bay is somewhere between the Prairies and Ontario. I get the pleasant British chap.

mike w said...

Get me a Northlands burger.

doritogrande said...

Agreed on Visnovsky. Guy's a MAB Chaos-type in every aspect so far this pre-season.

I like how they're giving Schremp nobodies to play with tonight. It's exactly who he's going to have to gel with if he's going to make the Oilers out of TC. Not saying Brodziak is a nobody, but Schremp's gotta learn to grind it out sometimes.

doritogrande said...

Reddox looks like he's been shot in the temple.

mike w said...

Poor Reddox. Stepped on the face by his own player.

kinger said...

THIS IS SUPER INTENSE!!!!

mike w said...

So how many Rbk Edge "dink piping" jerseys are at the game compared to the actually cool jerseys?

mike w said...

REDDDDOOOOOXXXXXX

The nine year-old scores!

DMFB said...

So how many Rbk Edge "dink piping" jerseys are at the game compared to the actually cool jerseys?

More than you want to know about, pal.

kinger said...

Penner is playing pretty good hockey.

kinger said...

How's your snack attack going? Did you get one of those bags of chips? They are playing House of Pain on the webcast to video of them tossing out Old Dutch snacks.

Surreal.

bish said...

Look at that french boy throw them lefts. He'll fit quite nicely in the press box.

DMFB said...

If I do this regularly during the year, I am going to be 400 pounds; 20% of which will be salt.

mike w said...

I also would like some chips.

Lefebvre just destroyed Tanner Glass, who is about the same size (light heavyweight)

mike w said...

Also, say hi to that lady Oilers blogger for me.

[makes a clicking noise with a wink]

DMFB said...

Your child would be born with an Oilers tattoo over his heart and a Powerbook fused to his lap.

mc79hockey said...

I've missed a ton of these games because my life is insane right now. That said, I was working with the Mets game on and, when I happened across your site and learned that pre-season hockey was available, I was like "Playoff implications? Who cares? Hockey!"

Then I heard Rod giggling and saying something about a concussion...good times.

doritogrande said...

So many hot 20-somethings at this game tonight. Lovin the eye candy.

Tyler said...

Hmm, I just thought the exact opposite.

Why is JDD ploaying so deep in his crease?

mike w said...

How could anyone not like Peckham at this point?

DMFB said...

He's definitely a tough SOB, though I still think he's pretty much useless on the other half of the red line. Though so was Matt Greene, and he wasn't half as much fun.

mike w said...

Ah, I will always love the smooch cam. But what if a brother and sister go to a game together?

doritogrande said...

Good scrap. Good scrap.

Chris! said...

I believe their families make them commit suicide. Everyone knows it happens, but no one talks about it.

bish said...

I don't think I'll ever get tired of girls making the "OHMYGOD" face when they notice they're on the jumbotron.

DMFB said...

I don't think I'll ever get tired of girls making the "OHMYGOD" face when I tell them I can get them free popcorn, because I'm sitting in the press box.

bish said...

Little did I know, you actually spell pimp, D-M-F-B.
I hope you drown in all your free popcorn.

mike w said...

"Let them eat popcorn."

doritogrande said...

Fuck. I want to throw things at Hemsky until he learns to fucking shoot a puck when nobody is covering him.

Even a dumbass like McCabe knew Hemsky would never shoot that puck.

crapsie said...

"I want to have sex with one of Ales Hemsky's passes." This will be my msn handle for two weeks.

Steve said...

9:37 pm: "Raise a Little Hell": the poor man's "Taking Care of Business"?

Randy Bachman produced Trooper's albums.

Is that an actual little-known fact, or is it one of those facts that I think is little-known but, when I drop it into conversation, people look at me as if I just told them that a water molecule consists of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom?

Also, if this preseason is any indication, all of those people who have been prattling on about how the Oilers couldn't count on getting in as many shootouts this year as they did last year should shut up.

bish said...

Thank god they explained the shootout. Three seasons in and I still I had no idea what was going on.

Tyler said...

Fuck. I want to throw things at Hemsky until he learns to fucking shoot a puck when nobody is covering him.

Hemsky was shooting more than the average NHL forward at ES last year.

/stats geek

Thank god they explained the shootout. Three seasons in and I still I had no idea what was going on.

I think that that was for Rod's benefit, but he still got it wrong.

I'm loving that Rod has finally settled on a pronunciation of Beckford-Tseu and that it was wrong.

Matt said...

Dave, re: 9:39, I peed on Risebrough's house once when he was Flames GM. So did Sacamano. True story!

Also, so I'm clear: you're saying Schremp is going to have his wife leave him for Brendan Shanahan?

Lord Bob said...

Schremp's downfall is traffic

When I read this, I had a sudden image of Rob Schremp standing on the shoulder of the Whitemud at four in the afternoon, staring at the traffic, waiting for a break to run halfway across, waiting for another break to run the other half, then getting smoked by a Dodge Caravan and waking up forty-eight hours later in traction.

Why yes I have had a little to drink.

DMFB said...

While we're admitting to vengeful micturation, I once peed on the Saddledome.

And I didn't know that Shanahan took Janney's wife. Weren't they linemates? That is just awesome.

sacamano said...

Dave, re: 9:39, I peed on Risebrough's house once when he was Flames GM. So did Sacamano. True story!

Also, so I'm clear: you're saying Schremp is going to have his wife leave him for Brendan Shanahan?


Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happens after the Crowfoot Inn, stays at (after?) the Crowfoot Inn.

andy grabia said...

This was awesome. Thank you, sir.

Art Vandelay said...

I watched it on TSN. And right now it's being repeated on TSN2. But then I'm in Victoria.

Doogie2K said...

Also, if this preseason is any indication, all of those people who have been prattling on about how the Oilers couldn't count on getting in as many shootouts this year as they did last year should shut up.

I was tempted to say pretty much this in last night's GDT but I didn't want to start anything.

mc79hockey said...

Great point guys. Also, all those people who said that Schremp wouldn't play 82 games this year should shut up, those people who thought that the Oilers wouldn't ice a defence made up largely of AHL/ECHL talent should shut up, those people who thought that the Oilers wouldn't play three games in three nights should shut up, etc, etc.

Not only is it three games, but it's three fucking preseason games. Good Christ.

DMFB said...

I got the impression that original comment was meant facetiously.

Halfwise said...

Nice comment on the numbered "So Close" t-shirt. There's a guy in the lower rows of 205 who has been wearing an actual home jersey #06 with So Close on it since the start of last year. He's there about every 5th game.